Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.


I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.


Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

Posted in PERSONALity, Uncategorized

how i met him


If there’s one thing that I learned about life, it’s the reality that we’re not in control of ours. Life is… life is unpredictable. Even if you try so hard to plan things and wish it would happen the way we want it to be, it won’t. There’d be failures or, perhaps, imperfections in that action.

So, when I least expect the big change in my life, where I thought nothing’s new aside from the boring cycle of my college life, that’s where he disrupted my view. Well, maybe, more of interrupted my beliefs. He came, and I didn’t even expect that he’d come this soon. I wish I could ask for more, but I know I can’t. That would be too greedy of me. Therefore, I am letting the time take us. We’re going with the flow, with every click of the long and short hand of the clock. We’re keeping track of the so-called process, as I am silently hoping that at the tail end of this journey, we’ll still meet halfway. Or hopefully, we’ll meet at the end, not apart but together.

At first, he was just the funny guy of the class. I even thought that he was gay because he’s hanging out with girls– cool and pretty girls. We were both from different blocks from the last semester of our first year in college. We met in a very odd way, yes. And I must admit, when I first laid my eyes on him, I find him attractive. He’s not that handsome, really, but he can be himself in front of other people and that’s what makes him extra attractive.

Of course, that admiration did not last long. I didn’t have any plan of creating new chapters of a cliché love story which only meant to end up bad. Anyway, it would be really a miracle if a love story would come to life within our block. But then, a miracle did happen. I was caught up in that moment and I still can’t move on. It really feels surreal for me. I can’t really fathom it– can’t grasp the fact that somewhere between the spaces between him and I, somehow, there’s really a red string connecting us. And this string pulled us together, meeting at the middle. But first, let me recall the process of how we both got there.

I was a dumb girl. I believe I was. A kind of socially-awkward, introvert/extrovert (depends with the mood), and not-so cool teenager. Yes. That’s how I was. Throughout the whole process, I was trying to crawl out of my own shell as the fear tried to creep in. I was excited and anxious at the same time.

Well, he was basically not yet a part of the picture. He was like an outsider. During the first semester of my second year in college, I was not close to any of my new block mates, and all I cared about was my grades and the reputation which I was trying to keep– the not-so cool kind of girl. I had my fears– everyone has. You know, teenage angst.

I didn’t talk to him or any of his friends unless it’s about school. I was intimidated. I just want to close doors and not care at all. But at the beginning of the second semester, that’s where the boring ride of my once Ferris wheel-like life turned to a joyful roller coaster ride. He took his seat there beside and took a ride. Funny enough, I should have fixed the bars surrounding me to prevent me from falling or getting injured, but I forgot to. During that ride, ironically, I feel safe.

I became close to him because of anime. That anime! Yeah. I was also deemed as his interpreter during a class in a major subject. I don’t know. The people inside that room didn’t understand anything that he was trying to say but I did. That’s the reason why I explained it the them. Then boom! I became his interpreter!

That title didn’t last long. People tend to forget funny or sad things easily as if it passes away like people do. They forget them unless some try to remember.

We continued to get closer. First, because of anime. Second, because a friend of mine is a friend of his as well. This friend served as a bridge. Well, that’s what I believe.

He and I were seatmates in our lab. Well, we were if you are sitting behind him. We were not the talkative type of seatmates, but when we start a conversation, I believe it’s anything but logical. It’s odd, but I believed that’s where fun starts. Maybe, sometimes, the logic in our life just disappears and you wouldn’t care enough as long as you enjoy the company of that particular person sitting in front of you. No romance (not yet).

I found myself getting close to him in any way possible. Through chat, call or text. I was letting him open the closed doors. I was trying to fight back the fear. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that I won’t regret what I chose.

I began to observe him and his actions. This was to confirm that inkling which bother me for quite some time already. Right there was the bait, and I, with no hesitation, took it.

I became conscious of everything that he’s doing to me. Walking me home with our other friend even if their way to theirs would be a longer walk; buying me food because I was nagging him to; promising to cook something for me; and messing up with my hair when I cut and dyed it. He was noticing the small things about me while I was noticing the odd actions he was doing. Yes, maybe, we both have our own odd worlds. I tried to deduct his actions. I came up with the conclusion that he might like me, but of course, I wouldn’t just settle with my hypothesis. I need proof just like in a research study, I must find evidence. I can’t just depend on theories. That’s where I started to collect the data. And I was on my journey of finding the answers to my suspicions, I was already beginning to feel that odd feeling. I was starting to like him– well, maybe, like him back. I thought.

So that night came when he called, his laughter was the first sound that I heard. It was not as pleasant as the guys in novels or movies, but I liked the way it sounded through my ears. It’s good. It was a nice kind of good. He was making fun of me. But I didn’t care. I don’t even mind if he’s like that. I care more about answering my queries. I want to have that process, but during that moment, I just can’t wait. I was in a rush. It felt like the ride on the Ferris wheel became faster.

I know we have that stupid belief that guys should make the first move. But who cares? Darn that stereotype.

So, I asked him first. But I just couldn’t make myself say the words. I mean, it is my first jerking time to ever do that. He was waiting at the other side of the line. I was afraid. I was contemplating my future decisions. I came up with the most unbelievable decision that I ever took. I felt different doing that. I was like a cool and reckless kind of person, like I really did not care what other people might say at all. I want to stay with that moment and enjoy it.

I said I like him first. NO. I don’t love him (yet), but I like him. I also told him that it’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I wouldn’t mind. I just wanted him to know.

He said he was nervous. And I could hear his deep sigh from the other line. I started to feel upset when he can’t even just shrug what I said if he doesn’t like me. I was serious that time. I really don’t mind.

It’s cool that I told him, but if he can’t reciprocate that feeling then it’s only ethical to forget about it. But he didn’t. A long pause. Then, he told me not to be a pessimist. But I wasn’t, right? I was just considering possibilities.

That’s where I felt something inside my stomach, as if butterflies were inside, as if they are lurching inside my intestines. I feel odd. I already know the answer, but I still want him to say it. I want him to tell me. It’s some kind of assurance for me, like a confirmation.

He likes me, too. No! He loves me. He said he loves me. Oh! Butterflies! Oh, falling stars. My unicorns! I can’t really explain what I felt that time. I was happy, upset, afraid and excited all at once. I just wanted to cry. He was there. I could hear him, and I was okay. It’s okay, but the loud thump inside my chest distracts my calm soul. It felt surreal, really. Someone liking me like that, liking me real and sincere. My heart, my poor heart was beating so fast as if it can win a race.

I wish… I only wish he won’t get tired, because most of the time people get tired. He agreed with the process that I want to take. Don’t rush. Yes, don’t.

Please, don’t get tired of waiting because I am also waiting— for the perfect timing.

Someday, we’ll reach the end of this long chase. I hope during that time, I would still be able to say, freely and happily, how I’ve also fallen for you.

I love you, too.





Posted in To this broken heart...

Itataas ang Puting Bandera

Suko na ako sa lahat ng argumento mong tila kaya nang kumitil ng buhay ng tao

Wala na akong panlaban pa sa mga dahilan mong wala namang kapupuntahan at walang katuturan

Paulit ulit at paulit ulit na lang tayong liliko sa usapang babalik din naman sa simula

Sa umpisa kung saan ang dating matatamis at mabubulaklak mong salita ngayon ay tila mga balang tumatama na:

Tumatama sa nabibingi ko nang tenga na halos dumugo na kakapakinig sa’yo

Tumatama sa puso kong kasing rupok lang naman ng maliit na bato

Suko na ako, ayoko na

Pagod na pagod na ako

Pagod na akong pakinggan ka at ang mga rason mong kinulang sa lohiko

Hindi mo nga alam gumamit ng retorika, bato ka lang ng bato ng argumento

Mga argumento mong inihahain lang sa mesa kahit wala namang sustansya

Mga argumentong lutong karinderyang wala lasa, niluluto para lang kumita

At habang binibigkas mo ang mga salitang magiging sanhi siguro ng pamamaalam ko, napapaisip ako

Napapaisip kung asan na nga ba ang taong minahal ko at minahal ako na parang walang makakahigit sa mundo

Nasan na ang maamong mukha na araw-araw kong nakikita sa tuwing babatiin ako ng umaga?

Wala na, wala ka na

At tila ba naging panaginip ang masasayang araw na kasama ka

Na habang nakamulat ang dalawang mata, dun pa ako nabangungot ng malungkot at nakakatakot na katotohanang malapit ng matapos ang lahat

Ang lahat na inakala kong may masayang pagtatapos

Ngunit ayoko na

Dahil ang mundo kasama ka ay naging mabigat lang na pasanin sa huli

Na sa tuwing nagpapansinan tayo, lagi nalang nating napapansin ang kapintasan nating dalawa

Walang bahid ng pagmamahal sa mga mata natin

Suko na ako

Dahil tila ba kapag pilit kong tinitimbang ang pagmamahal ko at galit, mas bumibigat ang mapait na galit

Lalo lang sumisikip ang dibdib

At habang pinipilit ko tumakbo palayo sa nakakasakal na sitwasyon, lalo lang humihirap kumawala

Sa iyo ko napagtanto na minsan nakakapagod pala talagang magmahal

Na harang tumatakbo ka kasabay sa agos ng buhay kasama sya, bigla ka na lang titigil at hihingalin

At bago ko pa iyon maramdaman sa kalagitnaan ng daang pareho nating tinatahak, nauna ka nang mapagod

Nauna ka nang makalimot

Kinalimutan mo ang mga mabubulaklak mong pangako na ngayon ay lanta na, gutay gutay at walang buhay

Kinalimutan mo ang mga pangarap na parang kastilyong buhangin

Sabay nating binuo pero isang alon lang ang sumira

Kaya ngayon, bago pa ako tangayin ng parehong dagat na sumira sa binuo natin

Bago pa ako lamunin ng galit na sinlalim ng dagat, titigil na rin ako sa pagtakb

Bago pa ako mabihag ng mga pangako mong hinding hindi na lalago, pipiliin ko nang putulin ang sangang komumokonekta sa iyo sa akin

Aalisin ko na sa utak ko ang pagbabakasakaling baka

Baka maging maayos pa tayo

Itataas ko ang puting bandera

Simbolo ng paglaya ko mula sa hawla nating dalawa

Simbulo ng pagsuko sa mga argumento mong pilit mong ipinapanalo

Itataas ang puting bandera na nagsasabing hayaan mo na akong mag-isa

Posted in Uncategorized

Bente Ka Na, Kaya May Bente Ako

Oo, ang tanda mo na nga
Matanda ka at mataba pa
Tanda ko pa noong maliliit tayo
Sabi ko maliit yung posibilidad na maging malapit tayo
Tayo yung aso’t pusa eh
Ikaw yung tumatahol, ako yung kumakalmot
Pero bigla ata natin iyong nilimot
O baka naman pagod na tayo sa yamot
Pero teka, hindi naman ito tungkol dun eh
Tungkol ito sa kaarawan  mo
Yung kaarawan mong puno ng nagkalat na paputok at stick ng barbeque
Ha! Bagong taon nga, bagong buhay na rin kapatid
Bagong taon sa iba, pagbabago rin ng taon mo
Pero kelan rin kaya madadagdagan ang tangkad mo?
Kasabay sa numero ng edad mo?
Bagong taon na, tumalon ka ba?
20 ka na ngayong 2017
Kaso mukha ka pa ring seventeen
Pero alam mo namang mahal kita diba?
Kahit sa text ko lang nasasabi
Kahit kapag tulog lang habang nahilik
Matanda ka na, mataba pa
Kaya sana maisipan mo ring awayin yung mga pagkain
Kasi puro ka kain
Tula pa ba ito?
Mahilig ka kasi sa mga uso
Naku, hindi ko na alam kung konektado
Hindi kasi ako magaling dito
Oo, asan na ako? Ah! Uso.
Uso dito, uso dyan, hanggang humaba na yung nguso
Pero dalang-dala mo naman ate
Dala mo lahat ng kolorete
Sa katawan mo na mura nga pero maganda
Mabait na anak, pandak nga lang
Mapagbigay, kahit yung wallet wala ng laman
Magaling ka rin at maganda
O ayan, nakangiti ka na ba?
Yung bente ko mamaya ha?
Wag mong kalilimutan kapag binati kita.

“Mahal kita. Peksman. Walang titibag.”



Posted in Uncategorized

Bagong Kwento

Ikaw iyong napaginipan ko nung isang gabi. Yung lalaking humawak sa kamay ko habang nakangiti. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napangiti rin ako. Basta pakiramdam ko malapit ka sa akin, kasing-lapit ng palad mo sa palad ko. Kita ko ang mga mata mo habang nakapikit ang akin. Kita ko ang mga ngiti mo habang yung labi ko naglalaway na ata. Pagtapos nun, dumating na ang umaga. Dumating ang malamig na umaga, kasabay ng mainit na sinag ng araw at pagmulat ko, pagbukas ng inaantok ko pang mga mata, wala ka na. Hindi ko na maaninag ang iyong mukha. Hindi ko na maramdaman iyong koneksyon natin habang ako ay nakapikit. Tila ba binawi ng paggising ko ang katotohanang hindi totoo ang mga nakita ko. Tila ba sinampal ako sa riyalidad na sa panaginip ka lang magiging totoo. At oo, sa panaginip nga lang tayo nagkatagpo.
Pero sana, ngayong pinatuloy ko ang bagong taon kasabay ng paggising ng bagong umaga, sana makita kita. Sana tumuloy ka rin para magkaroon tayo ng tulay at magkatagpo sa gitna ng lahat ng ito– sa gitna ng gulo, sa gitna ng riyalidad at ilusyon ko.

Sana magkita tayo habang nakamulat ang pareho nating mga mata, nakangiti ang mga labi at magkahawak ang mga kamay.

Walang pag-aalinlangan kung ang lahat ba ng ito ay sadyang panaginip lang. Walang pangamba na baka bukas, paggising ko wala ka na– naman.

Sana ito na yung bagong kwento na magbubukas ng mas magandang pinto, magsusulat ng mas magandang libro at maglilipat ng bagong pahina. Sana ito na iyong pagkakataon natin para sa riyalidad na magtagpo at hindi na lang sa panaginip.
Ngayong bagong taon, sana dumating ka na. Sana buksan mo na ang pinto ng puso kong walang susi. Sana ikaw na iyon.

Sana… minamahal kong hinaharap.

In celebration of New Year! 2017 hooray! GOD BLESS US ALL EVERYONE! ♥♥♥

Posted in To the people who love...

Your Holy Birthday

We’ve been celebrating Christmas for years. We all have the feeling of excitement as we welcome that moment. Every person seem to enjoy the idea of having fun during that specific day in December. We love the Christmas spirit.
Children sing songs infront of our homes as they create music using improvised cymbals and tambourine. They anticipate midnight because of the variety of mouth-watering food on top of the table. But then somewhere between those smiles and hugs that we see during that day, somewhere between the gifts and money that we give and receive, we seemed to forget the essence why Christmas happens. Do we still remember why?

Sure. It is utterly fun when our relatives and friends gather in order to celebrate together. But do we still remember why Christmas even started?
We’re having fun, exchanging gifts and hugs with our loved ones, but on the process, we forgot Jesus.

Jesus, the Son of God, is the reason Christmas happened and is still happening. Jesus Christ, who died on the cross to give us all salvation, was born in order for us to live an eternal life.
We should thank Him for loving us. We should celebrate Christmas, reminding ourselves that Jesus Christ died and lived again. We should be thankful that because of Jesus Christmas, we all have a reason to give and receive love. We all have a opportunity to be with the people that we treasure even just for a limited time. It is Lord Jesus who binds everyone. He binds us with love, because He is the beloved Son of God.
As long as the Love of God is felt in this world, Christmas will always be meaningful and lovely.

We are forever blessed. ♥