If there’s one thing that I learned about life, it’s the reality that we’re not in control of ours. Life is… life is unpredictable. Even if you try so hard to plan things and wish it would happen the way we want it to be, it won’t. There’d be failures or, perhaps, imperfections in that action.
So, when I least expect the big change in my life, where I thought nothing’s new aside from the boring cycle of my college life, that’s where he disrupted my view. Well, maybe, more of interrupted my beliefs. He came, and I didn’t even expect that he’d come this soon. I wish I could ask for more, but I know I can’t. That would be too greedy of me. Therefore, I am letting the time take us. We’re going with the flow, with every click of the long and short hand of the clock. We’re keeping track of the so-called process, as I am silently hoping that at the tail end of this journey, we’ll still meet halfway. Or hopefully, we’ll meet at the end, not apart but together.
At first, he was just the funny guy of the class. I even thought that he was gay because he’s hanging out with girls– cool and pretty girls. We were both from different blocks from the last semester of our first year in college. We met in a very odd way, yes. And I must admit, when I first laid my eyes on him, I find him attractive. He’s not that handsome, really, but he can be himself in front of other people and that’s what makes him extra attractive.
Of course, that admiration did not last long. I didn’t have any plan of creating new chapters of a cliché love story which only meant to end up bad. Anyway, it would be really a miracle if a love story would come to life within our block. But then, a miracle did happen. I was caught up in that moment and I still can’t move on. It really feels surreal for me. I can’t really fathom it– can’t grasp the fact that somewhere between the spaces between him and I, somehow, there’s really a red string connecting us. And this string pulled us together, meeting at the middle. But first, let me recall the process of how we both got there.
I was a dumb girl. I believe I was. A kind of socially-awkward, introvert/extrovert (depends with the mood), and not-so cool teenager. Yes. That’s how I was. Throughout the whole process, I was trying to crawl out of my own shell as the fear tried to creep in. I was excited and anxious at the same time.
Well, he was basically not yet a part of the picture. He was like an outsider. During the first semester of my second year in college, I was not close to any of my new block mates, and all I cared about was my grades and the reputation which I was trying to keep– the not-so cool kind of girl. I had my fears– everyone has. You know, teenage angst.
I didn’t talk to him or any of his friends unless it’s about school. I was intimidated. I just want to close doors and not care at all. But at the beginning of the second semester, that’s where the boring ride of my once Ferris wheel-like life turned to a joyful roller coaster ride. He took his seat there beside and took a ride. Funny enough, I should have fixed the bars surrounding me to prevent me from falling or getting injured, but I forgot to. During that ride, ironically, I feel safe.
I became close to him because of anime. That anime! Yeah. I was also deemed as his interpreter during a class in a major subject. I don’t know. The people inside that room didn’t understand anything that he was trying to say but I did. That’s the reason why I explained it the them. Then boom! I became his interpreter!
That title didn’t last long. People tend to forget funny or sad things easily as if it passes away like people do. They forget them unless some try to remember.
We continued to get closer. First, because of anime. Second, because a friend of mine is a friend of his as well. This friend served as a bridge. Well, that’s what I believe.
He and I were seatmates in our lab. Well, we were if you are sitting behind him. We were not the talkative type of seatmates, but when we start a conversation, I believe it’s anything but logical. It’s odd, but I believed that’s where fun starts. Maybe, sometimes, the logic in our life just disappears and you wouldn’t care enough as long as you enjoy the company of that particular person sitting in front of you. No romance (not yet).
I found myself getting close to him in any way possible. Through chat, call or text. I was letting him open the closed doors. I was trying to fight back the fear. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that I won’t regret what I chose.
I began to observe him and his actions. This was to confirm that inkling which bother me for quite some time already. Right there was the bait, and I, with no hesitation, took it.
I became conscious of everything that he’s doing to me. Walking me home with our other friend even if their way to theirs would be a longer walk; buying me food because I was nagging him to; promising to cook something for me; and messing up with my hair when I cut and dyed it. He was noticing the small things about me while I was noticing the odd actions he was doing. Yes, maybe, we both have our own odd worlds. I tried to deduct his actions. I came up with the conclusion that he might like me, but of course, I wouldn’t just settle with my hypothesis. I need proof just like in a research study, I must find evidence. I can’t just depend on theories. That’s where I started to collect the data. And I was on my journey of finding the answers to my suspicions, I was already beginning to feel that odd feeling. I was starting to like him– well, maybe, like him back. I thought.
So that night came when he called, his laughter was the first sound that I heard. It was not as pleasant as the guys in novels or movies, but I liked the way it sounded through my ears. It’s good. It was a nice kind of good. He was making fun of me. But I didn’t care. I don’t even mind if he’s like that. I care more about answering my queries. I want to have that process, but during that moment, I just can’t wait. I was in a rush. It felt like the ride on the Ferris wheel became faster.
I know we have that stupid belief that guys should make the first move. But who cares? Darn that stereotype.
So, I asked him first. But I just couldn’t make myself say the words. I mean, it is my first jerking time to ever do that. He was waiting at the other side of the line. I was afraid. I was contemplating my future decisions. I came up with the most unbelievable decision that I ever took. I felt different doing that. I was like a cool and reckless kind of person, like I really did not care what other people might say at all. I want to stay with that moment and enjoy it.
I said I like him first. NO. I don’t love him (yet), but I like him. I also told him that it’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I wouldn’t mind. I just wanted him to know.
He said he was nervous. And I could hear his deep sigh from the other line. I started to feel upset when he can’t even just shrug what I said if he doesn’t like me. I was serious that time. I really don’t mind.
It’s cool that I told him, but if he can’t reciprocate that feeling then it’s only ethical to forget about it. But he didn’t. A long pause. Then, he told me not to be a pessimist. But I wasn’t, right? I was just considering possibilities.
That’s where I felt something inside my stomach, as if butterflies were inside, as if they are lurching inside my intestines. I feel odd. I already know the answer, but I still want him to say it. I want him to tell me. It’s some kind of assurance for me, like a confirmation.
He likes me, too. No! He loves me. He said he loves me. Oh! Butterflies! Oh, falling stars. My unicorns! I can’t really explain what I felt that time. I was happy, upset, afraid and excited all at once. I just wanted to cry. He was there. I could hear him, and I was okay. It’s okay, but the loud thump inside my chest distracts my calm soul. It felt surreal, really. Someone liking me like that, liking me real and sincere. My heart, my poor heart was beating so fast as if it can win a race.
I wish… I only wish he won’t get tired, because most of the time people get tired. He agreed with the process that I want to take. Don’t rush. Yes, don’t.
Please, don’t get tired of waiting because I am also waiting— for the perfect timing.
Someday, we’ll reach the end of this long chase. I hope during that time, I would still be able to say, freely and happily, how I’ve also fallen for you.
I love you, too.