Posted in PERSONALity, Uncategorized

how i met him

 

If there’s one thing that I learned about life, it’s the reality that we’re not in control of ours. Life is… life is unpredictable. Even if you try so hard to plan things and wish it would happen the way we want it to be, it won’t. There’d be failures or, perhaps, imperfections in that action.

So, when I least expect the big change in my life, where I thought nothing’s new aside from the boring cycle of my college life, that’s where he disrupted my view. Well, maybe, more of interrupted my beliefs. He came, and I didn’t even expect that he’d come this soon. I wish I could ask for more, but I know I can’t. That would be too greedy of me. Therefore, I am letting the time take us. We’re going with the flow, with every click of the long and short hand of the clock. We’re keeping track of the so-called process, as I am silently hoping that at the tail end of this journey, we’ll still meet halfway. Or hopefully, we’ll meet at the end, not apart but together.

At first, he was just the funny guy of the class. I even thought that he was gay because he’s hanging out with girls– cool and pretty girls. We were both from different blocks from the last semester of our first year in college. We met in a very odd way, yes. And I must admit, when I first laid my eyes on him, I find him attractive. He’s not that handsome, really, but he can be himself in front of other people and that’s what makes him extra attractive.

Of course, that admiration did not last long. I didn’t have any plan of creating new chapters of a cliché love story which only meant to end up bad. Anyway, it would be really a miracle if a love story would come to life within our block. But then, a miracle did happen. I was caught up in that moment and I still can’t move on. It really feels surreal for me. I can’t really fathom it– can’t grasp the fact that somewhere between the spaces between him and I, somehow, there’s really a red string connecting us. And this string pulled us together, meeting at the middle. But first, let me recall the process of how we both got there.

I was a dumb girl. I believe I was. A kind of socially-awkward, introvert/extrovert (depends with the mood), and not-so cool teenager. Yes. That’s how I was. Throughout the whole process, I was trying to crawl out of my own shell as the fear tried to creep in. I was excited and anxious at the same time.

Well, he was basically not yet a part of the picture. He was like an outsider. During the first semester of my second year in college, I was not close to any of my new block mates, and all I cared about was my grades and the reputation which I was trying to keep– the not-so cool kind of girl. I had my fears– everyone has. You know, teenage angst.

I didn’t talk to him or any of his friends unless it’s about school. I was intimidated. I just want to close doors and not care at all. But at the beginning of the second semester, that’s where the boring ride of my once Ferris wheel-like life turned to a joyful roller coaster ride. He took his seat there beside and took a ride. Funny enough, I should have fixed the bars surrounding me to prevent me from falling or getting injured, but I forgot to. During that ride, ironically, I feel safe.

I became close to him because of anime. That anime! Yeah. I was also deemed as his interpreter during a class in a major subject. I don’t know. The people inside that room didn’t understand anything that he was trying to say but I did. That’s the reason why I explained it the them. Then boom! I became his interpreter!

That title didn’t last long. People tend to forget funny or sad things easily as if it passes away like people do. They forget them unless some try to remember.

We continued to get closer. First, because of anime. Second, because a friend of mine is a friend of his as well. This friend served as a bridge. Well, that’s what I believe.

He and I were seatmates in our lab. Well, we were if you are sitting behind him. We were not the talkative type of seatmates, but when we start a conversation, I believe it’s anything but logical. It’s odd, but I believed that’s where fun starts. Maybe, sometimes, the logic in our life just disappears and you wouldn’t care enough as long as you enjoy the company of that particular person sitting in front of you. No romance (not yet).

I found myself getting close to him in any way possible. Through chat, call or text. I was letting him open the closed doors. I was trying to fight back the fear. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that I won’t regret what I chose.

I began to observe him and his actions. This was to confirm that inkling which bother me for quite some time already. Right there was the bait, and I, with no hesitation, took it.

I became conscious of everything that he’s doing to me. Walking me home with our other friend even if their way to theirs would be a longer walk; buying me food because I was nagging him to; promising to cook something for me; and messing up with my hair when I cut and dyed it. He was noticing the small things about me while I was noticing the odd actions he was doing. Yes, maybe, we both have our own odd worlds. I tried to deduct his actions. I came up with the conclusion that he might like me, but of course, I wouldn’t just settle with my hypothesis. I need proof just like in a research study, I must find evidence. I can’t just depend on theories. That’s where I started to collect the data. And I was on my journey of finding the answers to my suspicions, I was already beginning to feel that odd feeling. I was starting to like him– well, maybe, like him back. I thought.

So that night came when he called, his laughter was the first sound that I heard. It was not as pleasant as the guys in novels or movies, but I liked the way it sounded through my ears. It’s good. It was a nice kind of good. He was making fun of me. But I didn’t care. I don’t even mind if he’s like that. I care more about answering my queries. I want to have that process, but during that moment, I just can’t wait. I was in a rush. It felt like the ride on the Ferris wheel became faster.

I know we have that stupid belief that guys should make the first move. But who cares? Darn that stereotype.

So, I asked him first. But I just couldn’t make myself say the words. I mean, it is my first jerking time to ever do that. He was waiting at the other side of the line. I was afraid. I was contemplating my future decisions. I came up with the most unbelievable decision that I ever took. I felt different doing that. I was like a cool and reckless kind of person, like I really did not care what other people might say at all. I want to stay with that moment and enjoy it.

I said I like him first. NO. I don’t love him (yet), but I like him. I also told him that it’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I wouldn’t mind. I just wanted him to know.

He said he was nervous. And I could hear his deep sigh from the other line. I started to feel upset when he can’t even just shrug what I said if he doesn’t like me. I was serious that time. I really don’t mind.

It’s cool that I told him, but if he can’t reciprocate that feeling then it’s only ethical to forget about it. But he didn’t. A long pause. Then, he told me not to be a pessimist. But I wasn’t, right? I was just considering possibilities.

That’s where I felt something inside my stomach, as if butterflies were inside, as if they are lurching inside my intestines. I feel odd. I already know the answer, but I still want him to say it. I want him to tell me. It’s some kind of assurance for me, like a confirmation.

He likes me, too. No! He loves me. He said he loves me. Oh! Butterflies! Oh, falling stars. My unicorns! I can’t really explain what I felt that time. I was happy, upset, afraid and excited all at once. I just wanted to cry. He was there. I could hear him, and I was okay. It’s okay, but the loud thump inside my chest distracts my calm soul. It felt surreal, really. Someone liking me like that, liking me real and sincere. My heart, my poor heart was beating so fast as if it can win a race.

I wish… I only wish he won’t get tired, because most of the time people get tired. He agreed with the process that I want to take. Don’t rush. Yes, don’t.

Please, don’t get tired of waiting because I am also waiting— for the perfect timing.

Someday, we’ll reach the end of this long chase. I hope during that time, I would still be able to say, freely and happily, how I’ve also fallen for you.

I love you, too.

 

always,

patatas

 

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Bente Ka Na, Kaya May Bente Ako

Oo, ang tanda mo na nga
Matanda ka at mataba pa
Tanda ko pa noong maliliit tayo
Sabi ko maliit yung posibilidad na maging malapit tayo
Tayo yung aso’t pusa eh
Ikaw yung tumatahol, ako yung kumakalmot
Pero bigla ata natin iyong nilimot
O baka naman pagod na tayo sa yamot
Pero teka, hindi naman ito tungkol dun eh
Tungkol ito sa kaarawan  mo
Yung kaarawan mong puno ng nagkalat na paputok at stick ng barbeque
Ha! Bagong taon nga, bagong buhay na rin kapatid
Bagong taon sa iba, pagbabago rin ng taon mo
Pero kelan rin kaya madadagdagan ang tangkad mo?
Kasabay sa numero ng edad mo?
Bagong taon na, tumalon ka ba?
20 ka na ngayong 2017
Kaso mukha ka pa ring seventeen
Pero alam mo namang mahal kita diba?
Kahit sa text ko lang nasasabi
Kahit kapag tulog lang habang nahilik
Matanda ka na, mataba pa
Kaya sana maisipan mo ring awayin yung mga pagkain
Kasi puro ka kain
Tula pa ba ito?
Mahilig ka kasi sa mga uso
Naku, hindi ko na alam kung konektado
Hindi kasi ako magaling dito
Oo, asan na ako? Ah! Uso.
Uso dito, uso dyan, hanggang humaba na yung nguso
Pero dalang-dala mo naman ate
Dala mo lahat ng kolorete
Sa katawan mo na mura nga pero maganda
Mabait na anak, pandak nga lang
Mapagbigay, kahit yung wallet wala ng laman
Magaling ka rin at maganda
O ayan, nakangiti ka na ba?
Yung bente ko mamaya ha?
Wag mong kalilimutan kapag binati kita.

“Mahal kita. Peksman. Walang titibag.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALDZ! I LOVE YOU FROM THE MOON AND BACK. ♥♥♥

nagmamahal,
Shaye

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Bagong Kwento

Ikaw iyong napaginipan ko nung isang gabi. Yung lalaking humawak sa kamay ko habang nakangiti. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napangiti rin ako. Basta pakiramdam ko malapit ka sa akin, kasing-lapit ng palad mo sa palad ko. Kita ko ang mga mata mo habang nakapikit ang akin. Kita ko ang mga ngiti mo habang yung labi ko naglalaway na ata. Pagtapos nun, dumating na ang umaga. Dumating ang malamig na umaga, kasabay ng mainit na sinag ng araw at pagmulat ko, pagbukas ng inaantok ko pang mga mata, wala ka na. Hindi ko na maaninag ang iyong mukha. Hindi ko na maramdaman iyong koneksyon natin habang ako ay nakapikit. Tila ba binawi ng paggising ko ang katotohanang hindi totoo ang mga nakita ko. Tila ba sinampal ako sa riyalidad na sa panaginip ka lang magiging totoo. At oo, sa panaginip nga lang tayo nagkatagpo.
Pero sana, ngayong pinatuloy ko ang bagong taon kasabay ng paggising ng bagong umaga, sana makita kita. Sana tumuloy ka rin para magkaroon tayo ng tulay at magkatagpo sa gitna ng lahat ng ito– sa gitna ng gulo, sa gitna ng riyalidad at ilusyon ko.

Sana magkita tayo habang nakamulat ang pareho nating mga mata, nakangiti ang mga labi at magkahawak ang mga kamay.

Walang pag-aalinlangan kung ang lahat ba ng ito ay sadyang panaginip lang. Walang pangamba na baka bukas, paggising ko wala ka na– naman.

Sana ito na yung bagong kwento na magbubukas ng mas magandang pinto, magsusulat ng mas magandang libro at maglilipat ng bagong pahina. Sana ito na iyong pagkakataon natin para sa riyalidad na magtagpo at hindi na lang sa panaginip.
Ngayong bagong taon, sana dumating ka na. Sana buksan mo na ang pinto ng puso kong walang susi. Sana ikaw na iyon.

Sana… minamahal kong hinaharap.


In celebration of New Year! 2017 hooray! GOD BLESS US ALL EVERYONE! ♥♥♥

Nagmamahal Din Ang Hangin

Hindi na siguro maiiwasan sa ating mundo na minsan makakaligtaan natin ang mga bagay na palagi lang nating nakakasalamuha. Minsan, ang mga bagay na dapat sana ay binibigyang pansin at halaga, ang mga iyon pa ang nakakalimutan nating pahalagahan. Siguro nga likas na sa tao ang mas mahalin ang mga bagay na hindi naman kamahal-mahal. Siguro likas na sa atin na mas mapansin ang mga bagay na nakakapanakit. Naaalala pa ba natin kahit isang beses man lang sa isang araw ang hangin?
Katulad din ng tao, nagmamahal din ang hangin. Ang bawat paghalik nito sa ating pisngi ang nagbibigay hudyat na nangungulila ito ng pansin– nangungulila ng pagpapahalaga na matagal ng kinalimutan ng tao. Ang pagsayaw nito sa pagitan ng mga damo at iba pang halaman ang nagpapakita ng saya na nadarama nya. Pero ngayon, tila napalitan na iyon ng kalungkutan at galit. Napalitan ang galak ng galit, kung kaya’t ang pagaspas lang dati ay isang malakas na hampas na ngayon sa katauhan ng bagyo at buhawi. Wala na nga sigurong pagmamahal ang nadarama ng hangin. Ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit ang dating rason kung bakit tayo humihinga pa ay isa na rin sa dahilan kung bakit karamihan sa atin ay naghihingalo na.
Panipis na ng panipis ang hangin. Marumi na rin ito. Alam ko at alam ko ring alam nyo rin ito. Kagagawan ng tao ang bagay na ito, pero minsan naisip ko na siguro ito rin ang paraan ng hangin para maghiganti– para maipakitang kailangan din nya ng pansin, para ipakitang kaya rin nyang makapanakit dahil masakit sa pakiramdam na hindi na pinapahalagahan ang halaga nya.
Sa tingin ko, maihahalintulad ang pagmamahal ng hangin sa pagmamahal ng isang taong may lihim na pagtingin sa isang tao. Oo.Masasabi kong matamis magmahal ang hangin dahil sa una ang tanging rason lang ng kanyang pananatili sa mundo ay para mabuhay tayo– tayong mga tao.

Mamahalin ka nya kahit pa hindi mo maalala na nandyan sya o ni hindi mo alam na mahal ka nya.
Mamahalin ka nya kahit wala kapalit.

Nandyan sya dahil kailangan mo sya. Nandyan sya kahit hindi mo sya nakikita.
Ngunit dumating na sa puntong napabayaan mo yung bagay na minamahal ng hangin– ikaw.Napunta na sa puntong napabayaan mo ang sarili mo at ang paligid mo, kaya ang resulta, pati ang hangin nadamay na rin. Hindi ba’t nakakalungkot ding isipin na ang isang nagmamahal ng palihim ay nasasaktan din ng palihim?
Sirang-sira na sya. Habang palalang-palala ang sakit na dinulot mo sa kanya, pati ikaw palalang-pala na rin. Kahit pa malaman mo ang kalagayan nya, tila huling-huli ka na. Tila ba wala ng pag-asa para maibsan manlang ang sakit na dinulot natin sa hangin dahil sa dulo ng lahat ng ito, parang hindi mo pa rin sya kayang mahalin.
__
*excerpts from Umigib ng Pag-ibig (Journal) 2016

Posted in blog, Uncategorized

Dear Momster

This is actually dedicated to my cousin. Well, I kinda know her story (her family’s conflicts and the like). I decided to write this for her.

In here, you’ll see what a child raised in a broken and complicated family really feels deep deep deep down inside (well, basing from her rants and expressions)


Dear Mommy,

It’s been a long time since you left. Honestly, I don’t recall anymore how I felt when you took your leave. I was too young to remember it. You left the country because you had some issues here, and the fact that daddy had an affair with another woman and got her pregnant adds up to your reasons.

I grew up within my grandparents’ care. I am with my younger sibling. I don’t know if you know this but I miss you a lot mom. I miss it when you come home with that pizza box in your hand. I miss it when you hug me at night whenever I am having a nightmare. I miss your touch mommy. I miss you a lot.

But then the fact that we didn’t have much time to create more memories worsen my misery. I feel empty.

Daddy usually visits us and gives us money, but not for long. Not too long. I guess some people chooses to be selfish rather than their vowed responsibilities. Mind if I tell you that grandpa gets mad every time he sees him. Well, who wouldn’t, right?

Mom, I hate to say this coz I think it’ll upset you,  but I love daddy as much as I love you. And I miss him. I still have our memories together. My sister might not have one because she was too young when this so-called family became an ash.

To be honest, I envy her. I wish I didn’t have any memories of us together. I wish I wouldn’t have to hold on to that.

Years passed and you still didn’t have the courage to come home. Well, I can talk to you through international call, and I can see you through Skype. But mom, frankly speaking, it’s utterly not enough. Totally not.

Where are you when I was a part of the top students? Where are you when I was about to receive that fake-gold plated medal? Where are you when my aunt had to attend that in your behalf? Where are you and daddy when I wanted to show you that I’v been a good child?

As time passes, I learned to accept this ill-fated life that we have. That’s the only thing that I can do, I guess? Accept. And accept.

I had come to the conclusion that we won’t be just like before, that’s why I learned to envy the other kids. Yes. You fill us with gadgets, bags and things that any child would love to have. But you can never fill that part in us which longs for motherly love.

I love you mom! I do. But I hate you whenever you call and I can’t answer immediately. That’s not the point anyway. The thing is, you get mad easily at us. You even curse at us. Truthfully, that hurts me a lot.

You call us names and trash words… at one point, I have realized the one reason why dad left you-us. He despised your attitude mom. He did. Well, I am not saying that he’s right to cheat on you nor am taking his side. No. I am just saying that it wouldn’t have been easier to fix this if you fixed you first.

Nowadays, whenever you contact us, I wish you didn’t or I wish I just didn’t took that call. I am sick of it mom. All your rants about your mistakes that you never did regret (in the first place); about your enemies (that were never enemies); about your problems (that you created). I am sick of it mom.

I am not wishing that you just don’t call or message us. I just wish that you could be better when talking to us. I just wish that your learn to keep your promises to us. I just hope that you learn to thank the people who show concern and love to you- to us.

You are arguing with grandpa and grandma about money, about our future and about the your problems that you made them carry as well. It hurts whenever you talk to them harshly. I love them. I wish you didn’t have to show disrespect and distrust to your parents. They love you mom. They love you a lot that they accepted to raise us even if they shouldn’t in the first place.

You even create fights with our aunt (your own dear sister!). I don’t understand. All she did was help you by helping us. As a younger sister, she did her best to support you- to cover up for you. But when she did a small thing that didn’t please you, you argue with her as if she didn’t do anything good to you. I respect my aunt, mom. She stood up us second mother. She loves us even if she already had a son to love herself.

Even if you’re hurting her verbally, she didn’t vent her anger to us. I wish you were like that.

You see mom? There’s a lot of things that I’ve learned and realized while growing up. I am afraid I am learning to hate you as well. I hope I won’t.

Mommy, I hope that we could be together again. I do hope as well that you show us your love and concern like a real mom- no curses, no trash words. Is it hard to fulfill?

Toys and gadgets can never replace love in this world Mom. Always remember that.

Please stop acting like a momster. I love you.

 

love,

Eve


Sorry for the incorrect grammar and the like. Haha. Still not good in words huh?

I am a young blogger anyway, so.. Ciao~