Posted in The nearing end...

Gaano ba?

words//

Gaano ba sapat kalalim
ang sugat sa puso mo
para magkaroon ka
ng karapatang umiyak
dahil kung ako ang sasagot
 
ng tanong na iyan
hindi ko alam
hindi ko na alam
kung saang banda na
nakaabot ang panang
 
tumagos sa aking laman
na sayang nagbukas
ng pinto para sa sakit
na makapasok
at handang sirain
 
ang aking kalamnan
puso o laman
walang katumbas ang
sugat na ginuhit niyon
sa aking katawan na
 
gutay-gutay at wala
manlang laban
lalaban pa sana ako
sa digmaang sinimulan
ng mga takot sa isip ko
 
na nagbigay hudyat sa mga
pana para tamaan ang
kahinaang meron ako
wala ako sa tamang
wisyo at lakas para
 
para itaas pa ang
espada na kayang
putulin ang ugat na
kumokonekta sa sakit
na binibigay niyon
 
kung karapatan man din
ang pag-uusapan ay tiyak
na diyan ako may laban
dahil taglang ko ang
palatandaan na sinlalim na
 
ng bangin kung saan ako
nahulog at nahuhulog
ang sugat sa puso ko na
dulot ng sakit mula sa
digmaang simula pa lang
 
sa simula pa lang
ako ay tinapos na
 
at tapos na nga.


//🖋️📝🏹
Advertisements
Posted in Happy? Or just an ending?, The nearing end...

how i met him: the nearing end

Misplaced feelings.

That’s just how I describe my relationship with him. My heart was in chaos whenever I am with him. It starts beating really fast with a simple smile or a sudden touch to my skin.
I feel like a lady whenever I am with him. Yes. That’s just how I describe it. And I love him. But I know that’s not enough. Sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you love someone you are already entitled to have that love and take it for granted. You can’t just claim it (even if he’s feeling the same way too) if it’s not right. And our time isn’t right.
For the past four months, I have felt many emotions. I laugh. I cried. I smiled. Then cried again. I became worried that the happiness might consume me or the sadness will. I was thinking about my priorities — God, school, family and self. And I have found out as I assess myself, he honestly wasn’t on the top list. I had a lot of things to do that I don’t think I can prioritize that kind love, this worldly love. I have a God who can love me unconditionally. A mom and a sister who’ll stay with me. But it was such a unfortunate mistake to rely with the love that he is giving. I am grateful for that love but I had forgotten about the things which came first. My commitments became nothing to me. I have diverted my attention to a relationship which I have no assurance if it will last. I forgot about my commitment to God, to my mom, to school, to my other responsibilities. I was too impulsive thinking that I can handle it. Later on, I have realized that I can’t. I am already hurting the Lord because of my disobedience. I have let myself love someone who He didn’t approve to be loved by me at the moment, in the first place. I disobeyed Him. I went on my own way. Hurt Him. I am also about to hurt my mom and my sister. They’re sacrificing a lot for me, but I am taking it for granted. I am so selfish. I am just thinking about my own happiness.
I love this guy. I do, really. I love him that it really hurts to accept the fact that it isn’t right. That is why this feeling is a misplaced one. Maybe I can say that loving him is right, but it is just in the wrong moment, wrong time.
I love him that it makes me cry. I am about to break the heart of the guy I love in order to save our hearts from even hurting more.
Last Sunday, I had given him the right to call me his girlfriend. It was out of control, that situation. Everything’s a mess. I acted impulsively. I am so guilty. Then now, even if days had only passed since we started dating, I decided to break it off. I decided to break our hearts so that it won’t break even more, so that people around us won’t get hurt as well.
At 1 am, I am writing this as I am crying. I am thinking about how much I have disobeyed God. I have surrendered my life to Him a long time ago and started serving Him. But I came to a point that I had a reservation. I didn’t commit fully. And that wasn’t right.
I hate to break my boyfriend’s heart, but my relationship with God and His plans for me is rather more important. I should have listened to that part of me a long time ago. Maybe we won’t reach this point, this point where in we started something that needed to end quickly.
I don’t know what I’ll tell him, how I’ll make him understand. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to tell him. I am afraid. Yes. But I am more afraid of losing God… Of losing my connection with him.
I love my boyfriend. But this is wrong, so wrong. This is utterly misplaced. I realized I am not yet ready to enter a relationship. I can’t handle it. I am too weak, too unprepared. Besides, the Lord doesn’t approve.
I am hurting. But that’s okay. In the future, I know that what I am about to do is right. I just have to step forward and take an action.

Considering of my situation, I just want to impart someone that loving is not easy. You have to consider a lot of things before taking a chance. You have too in order to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

Lastly, I want to tell him, even if he won’t even read this blog, that my feelings for him is real. The butterflies in the stomach, the sheepish smiles, the suppressed laughs, the annoying pouts and tiring tantrums were real. I enjoyed that four months. I cannot call it worth it yet, as I am uncertain. But I do hope. And I also hope hurting is worth the tears. I love you.

He doesn’t have any idea how much I want to hug him and kiss him. But I can’t.

Thank you for your irritating smile, your weird antics, corny jokes, natural sweetness and obvious concern. I am feeling the love you are giving me. I am feeling it that’s why it’s hard to for me to let it go. I guess I am not the one God planned for you and maybe I am, we just had it in the wrong moment.

Nevertheless, I love you. And I am sorry.

I’ll be a bad person to you. I’ll hurt you. But I am wishing you the best and happiness, even if I won’t be one of the reasons anymore.

Hello, to the nearing end of how I met him.

Post-script:

I wrote it because I can’t tell this to anyone close to me. I am too ashamed of myself. I am a bad person, a selfish one.

Posted in A blog, Personal, Story, The nearing end...

how i met him (and how it ended)

According to a book I’ve read, people come and go, forever drifting in and out of our lives. Some would stay but some would just pass by. It hurts that the ones you wanted to stay the most are the ones who leave.
In my case, he didn’t just leave. But he also snatched the little happiness that he brought me and left me sadness instead. I shouldn’t let myself drown in that ocean of happiness and fleeting moments. No. I should have just stayed in the shore and never get in the water in the first place. I forgot. I don’t know how to swim. Now, I am slowly drowning at the bottom of the ocean where sadness lies– where screaming for help would be useless because no one would hear me.
It’s funny how I still wish for him to come back even though I’ve been hurt already. It’s an epic choice to still hope for that guy to come and save me. But how could he? In the first place, he was the one who pushed me to drown. And it’s stupid how willingly I am to still hope and to look like fool for nothing. Because frankly speaking, I thought we’d have that little piece of forever. I had hoped for that. But then I guess we can’t find forever with the wrong guy– with the wrong person.
In the end, this was just a long chapter of a book where he played a significant role then vanished after portraying it. Now, I have to the turn the page and get over it. But how?

They say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I wish I can hope for that easily, but how can I have that rainbow if it’s always raining whenever I wake up?

* * *

Actually right now, even if I am trying to pick up my pieces and surviving to live, the pain still lingers. It creeps in to my body, trying to destroy me once again. But I am trying to prevent that from happening again because the guy who was supposed to protect me left me already.

I wish it would be easier to move on. Because whenever I think about him, I just break down and cry. I just love him so much that it hurts to think that he’s gone. He left me.

But the funny part is that I will still see him this coming semester. He’s my classmate after all. How can I live with that?