Posted in Story

muni muni

//

Hindi ka lang ambon na nahulog mula sa mga alapaap

Na bigla na lang sisipsipin ng lupang uhaw

Na susubukang itago mula sa liwanag ng araw

Hindi ka lang isang malakas na ulan

Na kayang bahain ang sangkatauhan ng iyong pag ibig na tiyak ako walang maipapantay

Hindi ka lang dagat na kayang lunurin ang maninisid

na nais sirain ang ang tubig na tinitirhan ng mga isda o pusit

O bundok na mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa mga punong ikaw mismo ang lumikha

Hindi ka lang kapatagan na tinatamnan ng pag-asang mamumuhay pa

ng mas matagal sa mga nilalang na walang ginawa kundi humingi pa

At hihingi pa ng mas higit pa sa butil ng palay na Ikaw mismo ang nag alay

Ang buhay ay higit pa sa nakikita ng dalawang mata

Sa pag mumuni muni ko, alam ko na higit ka pa sa mga ito

Tinatangi mo ang sanlinutan kahit na pighati at galit lamang ang pilit nitong pinapakita

Pagsamo ang binibigay sayo ng naniniwala at parte ito ng kanilang gunita

Ikaw ay higit pa sa mundo at maging sa walang hanggan

Alam ko ito, sa malalim na pagmumuni muni ko

Ikaw na siyang pinakamakaangyarihan na piniling ialay ang buhay ng bugtong na anak para sa makasalanang sangkatauhan

Ikaw na siyang naghubog sa bawat isa para maging mabuting tao kahit pa man ang iba’y piniling mapariwa

Ikaw na mapagmahal na ama na kung ano man ang hilingin ng mga anak ay pinagbibigyan mo pa

Kahit na kadalasa’y nasasaktan ka na
Ikaw na kalong-kalong ang buong mundong nakakalimot na

Nakakalimot sa iyong presensya, sa Iyong dakilang gawa

Sa bawat pagsikat o paglubog ng araw, maging sa takipsilim— sa paghalik ng liwanag sa dilim—, naroon ka

Muni muni

Huni huni ng mga ibong sumasabay sa saliw ng hangin

Muni muni

Sising sisi ako para hindi ka mas maagang kilalanin

Muni muni

Huli huli, hindi pa huli ang lahat para mag sisi

Muni muni

Dahil ang susi lamang dito ay tanggapin ka sa palasak kong buhay na lungkot ang naghari

Upang sa ganoon ay ang langit sa aking ibabaw ay tuluyang maging bughaw

Ako ay uhaw, hindi ako bibitaw

Muni muni, alam ko

Higit ka sa ambon, sa ulan, sa dagat

Higit ka sa araw, sa bundok, sa kapatagan

Ikaw ang nag-iisang Diyos, Panginoon, Ama

Ang sa aki’y lumikha

Ikaw, oh, ikaw

Ang nag-iisa.

//

To God be the all the highest glory.

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Posted in A blog, Personal, Story, The nearing end...

how i met him (and how it ended)

According to a book I’ve read, people come and go, forever drifting in and out of our lives. Some would stay but some would just pass by. It hurts that the ones you wanted to stay the most are the ones who leave.
In my case, he didn’t just leave. But he also snatched the little happiness that he brought me and left me sadness instead. I shouldn’t let myself drown in that ocean of happiness and fleeting moments. No. I should have just stayed in the shore and never get in the water in the first place. I forgot. I don’t know how to swim. Now, I am slowly drowning at the bottom of the ocean where sadness lies– where screaming for help would be useless because no one would hear me.
It’s funny how I still wish for him to come back even though I’ve been hurt already. It’s an epic choice to still hope for that guy to come and save me. But how could he? In the first place, he was the one who pushed me to drown. And it’s stupid how willingly I am to still hope and to look like fool for nothing. Because frankly speaking, I thought we’d have that little piece of forever. I had hoped for that. But then I guess we can’t find forever with the wrong guy– with the wrong person.
In the end, this was just a long chapter of a book where he played a significant role then vanished after portraying it. Now, I have to the turn the page and get over it. But how?

They say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I wish I can hope for that easily, but how can I have that rainbow if it’s always raining whenever I wake up?

* * *

Actually right now, even if I am trying to pick up my pieces and surviving to live, the pain still lingers. It creeps in to my body, trying to destroy me once again. But I am trying to prevent that from happening again because the guy who was supposed to protect me left me already.

I wish it would be easier to move on. Because whenever I think about him, I just break down and cry. I just love him so much that it hurts to think that he’s gone. He left me.

But the funny part is that I will still see him this coming semester. He’s my classmate after all. How can I live with that?

Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.