Posted in PERSONALity, Uncategorized

how i met him

If there’s one thing that I learned about life, it’s the reality that we’re not in control of ours. Life is… life is unpredictable. Even if you try so hard to plan things and wish it would happen the way we want it to be, it won’t. There’d be failures or, perhaps, imperfections in that action.

So, when I least expect the big change in my life, where I thought nothing’s new aside from the boring cycle of my college life, that’s where he disrupted my view. Well, maybe, more of interrupted my beliefs. He came and I didn’t even expect that he’d come this soon. I wish I could ask for more, but I know I can’t. That would be too greedy of me. This is why I am letting the time take us. We’re going with the flow, with every click of the long and short hand of the clock. We’re keeping track of the so called process, as I am silently hoping that at the tail of this journey, we’ll still meet halfway. Or hopefully, we’ll meet at the end, not apart but together.

At first, he was just the funny guy of the class. I even thought that he was gay because he’s hanging out with girls– cool and pretty girls. We were both from different blocks from the last semester of our first year in college. We met in a very odd way, yes. And I must admit, when I first laid my eyes on him, I find him attractive. He’s not that handsome, really, but he can be himself in front of other people and that’s what makes him extra attractive.

Of course, that admiration did not last long. I didn’t have any plan of creating new chapters of a cliche love story which only meant to end up bad. Anyway, it would be really a miracle if a love story would come to life within our block. But then, a miracle did happen. I was caught up in that moment and I still can’t move on. It really feels surreal for me. I can’t really fathom it– can’t grasp the fact that somewhere between the spaces between him and I, somehow, there’s really a red string connecting us. And this string pulled us together, meeting at the middle. But first, let me recall the process of how we both got there.

I was a dumb girl. I believe I was. A kind of socially-awkward, introvert/extrovert (depends with the mood), and not-so cool teenager. Yes. That’s how I was. Throughout the whole process, I was trying to crawl out of my own shell as the fear tried to creep in. I was excited and anxious at the same time.

Well, he was basically not yet a part of the picture. He was like an outsider. During the first semester of my second year in college, I was not close to any of my new blockmates, and all I cared about was my grades and the reputation which I was trying to keep– the not-so cool kind of girl. I had my fears– everyone have. You know, teenage angst.

I didn’t talk to him or any of his friends unless it’s about school. I was intimidated. I just want to close doors and not care at all. But at the beginning of the second semester, that’s where the boring ride of my once ferris wheel-like life turn to a joyful roller coaster ride. He took his seat there and took a ride.

I became close to him because of anime. That anime! Yeah. I was also deemed as his interpreter during a class in a major subject. I don’t know. The people inside that room didn’t understand anything that he was trying to say but I did. That’s the reason why I explained it the them. Then boom! I became his interpreter!

That title didn’t last long. People tend to forget funny or sad things easily as if it passes away like people do. They forget them unless some try to remember.

We continue to get closer. First, because of anime. Second, because a friend of mine who is a friend of his as well. This friend served as a bridge. Well, that’s what I believe.

He and I were seatmates in our lab. Well, we were if you are sitting behind him. We were not the talkative type of seatmates, but when we start a conversation, I believe it’s anything but logical. It’s odd, but I believed that’s where fun starts. Maybe, sometimes, the logic in our life just disappears and you wouldn’t care enough.

I found myself getting close to him in any way possible. Through chat, call or text. I was letting him open the closed doors. I was trying to fight back the fear. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that I won’t regret what I chose.

I became conscious of every single thing that he’s doing to me. Walking me home with our other friend even if their way to theirs would be a longer walk; buying me food because I nagging him to; promising to cook something for me; and messing up with my hair when I cut and dyed it. He was noticing the small things about me while I was noticing the odd actions he was doing. I tried to deduct his actions. I came up with the conclusion that he might like, but of course, I wouldn’t just settle with my hypothesis. I need proof just like in a research study, I have to find evidence. I can’t just depend on theories. That’s were I started to collect the data. And I was on my journey of finding the answers to my suspicions, I was already beginning to feel that odd feeling. I was starting to like him– well, maybe, like him back. I thought.

So that night came when he called, his laughter was the first sound that I heard. It was not as pleasant as the guys in novels or movies, but I liked the way it sounded in my ears. It was good. He was making fun of me. But I didn’t care. I don’t even mind if he’s like that. I care more about answering my queries. I want to have that process, but during that moment, I just can’t wait. I was in a rush.

I know we have that stupid belief that guys should make the first move. But who cares? Darn that stereotype.

So, I asked him first. But I just couldn’t make myself say the words. He was waiting at the other side of the line. I was afraid. I was contemplating my future decisions. I came up with the most unbelievable decision that I ever took. I felt different doing that. I was like a cool and reckless kind of person, like I really did not care what other people might say at all. I want to stay with that moment and enjoy it.

I said I like him first. NO. I don’t love him (yet), but I like him. I also told him that it’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I wouldn’t mind. I just wanted him to know.

He said he was nervous. And I could hear his deep sigh from the other line. I started to feel upset when he can’t even just shrug what I said if he doesn’t like me.

It’s cool that I told him, but if he can’t reciprocate that feeling then it’s only ethical to forget about it. But he didn’t. A long pause. Then, he told me not to be a pessimist. But I wasn’t, right?

That’s where I felt something inside my stomach, as if butterflies were inside. I already know the answer but I still want him to say it. I want him to tell me.

He likes me, too. No! He loves me. I can’t really explain what I felt that time. I was happy, upset, afraid and excited all at once. I just wanted to cry. He was there. I could hear him and I was okay.

I wish… I only wish he won’t get tired. He agreed with the process that I want to take. Don’t rush. Yes, don’t.

Please, don’t get tired of waiting because I am also waiting— for the perfect timing.

Someday, we’ll reach the end of this long chase. I hope during that time, I would still be able to say, freely and happily, how I’ve also fallen for you.

I love you, too.

 

always,

patatas

Posted in A blog, Personal, PERSONALity

Course Cost

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If I won’t succeed in this field, I don’t know anymore.

I love writing.

Well, maybe writing to you this now gives you a more realistic proof. Pero minsan, kahit anong passionate mo sa isang bagay, may instances talaga na hindi mapupunta sa’yo yung hinahangad mo… even though you’ve given everything that you could possibly offer just to attain that dream… that goal. Did I lack something? Didn’t they like what they got? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore… was the questions that you’re constantly asking to yourself. The questions that seem to give you that depressing feeling.

Yung mga sinagot ko sa mga tanong nila… they contained true feelings. When I was finished, sabi ko worth it yun. Worth it yung pagiging honest mo at pagsabi kung gaano ka ka-dedicated mag-sulat. Pero ngayon? I can’t feel it anymore.

Just like what A said in Every Day, the universe doesn’t care about us… that’s why we have to care for each other. I didn’t know that this reality hurts much more than I expected.

I can’t stop this feeling. I am anxiously thinking about my course application. I got interviewed the other day already and they said that I met the basic requirements and the such. But I still worry about passing it or not. I mean, we have to receive a message confirming that we have passed the interview, but then I haven’t received any, given that my fellow applicants who were interviewed received one already.

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Alam mo yung feeling?

Yung chapter one ka pa lang sa nobelang binabasa mo eh melodramatic na yung scenes. It’s sad, right? You are still at the beginning of our story and you’re already facing such struggle.

I know. I am being pessimistic right now. With all honesty, I can’t help it. When I was interviewed, I was given that hope of passing it. That hope was presented in front of me and I grabbed it without any hesitation. I grabbed it without even thinking about the aftermath of that decision. Sabi sa’kin na okay naman yung grades ko. I was so proud to tell them that I am a blogger and a writer… hoping that it will help in my application. I was hoping deep inside. I was hoping na sana kuhanin nila ako… na maisip nila na may potential ako. Alam ko namang malaking yung risk kapag umasa ka. Malaki yung pwede mong makuha, pero malaki rin ang pwedeng mawala sa’yo. Ang sakit pala talaga. Ang sakit. Sobra.

Hindi ba sapat na sabihin mong gusto mong magsulat at gusto mong mag-improve? Hindi ba sapat na eager kang matuto pa?

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Feeling ko para akong lapis eh… matulis nga pero madaling maputol at nabubura na lang ng ganun kadali. Madaling masaktan… madaling kalimutan. Ang drama.

But I haven’t failed yet, right? Well, the confirmation that I did haven’t arrived yet. Will I still hope then?

sincerely,

A Student

Posted in PERSONALity

Journal: Entry No. 2

Di,

I don’t want his life to become miserable. Mali ba yun? If he’s not happy, then walang kwenta din yung sakit na nararamdaman namin. If he’s not happy, then letting him go wasn’t worth it. I’d would rather hate him than have a pity on him. Pero kanina, ni hindi ko magawang yakapin sya. Naisip ko na kapag ginawa ko yun, magmumukha akong mahina. I don’t want to become weak. I won’t cry anymore. I missed him a lot. Even if I saw him a while ago, I still miss him. I tried to familiarize his face, pero parang hindi ko pa rin sya makilala. Hindi ko na sya kilala. BUT! I love him. Even though he committed a mistake and partly ruined our lives, I still love him. And I cannot stop myself from feeling that way. I do hope that things will become okay in the near future.

with so much love,

Moelaine

Posted in PERSONALity

Sides

Is it hard to stay on one side? Can’t they just stay mean if they are really bad? Frantically speaking, it is so hard to understand them! Day by day, their attitude changes. Hindi ko alam kung saan dun ang totoo. Araw-araw rin na makakarinig ka ng masasakit na salita. Like, really! Is it our fault that we’re here? We didn’t force them in the first place. They have so many secrets that we are yet to uncover. We’re not burdens. As far as I know, nandito kami para tulungan sila, hindi para maging pabigat. It is sad because sometimes, people don’t know how to appreciate simple things. Gusto nila walang mistakes. Ugh! Perfectionists!

Sometimes they act nice and pure, but most of the time they tend to be mean. Tao rin naman kami. We have feelings, too. We tend to get hurt. Even though they could say that we have to deal with it, it is still unfair.

This situation is really hard! I want to leave, but how can I? Ang hirap makisama sa mga taong mahirap pakisamahan.

Posted in PERSONALity

Journal: Entry 1

Di,

I had a nice day. Same routine, though. Pero ganun talaga, di ba? Kapag walang magawa sa buhay, paulit-ulit talaga ang mga ginagawa. But atleast, nakaka-burn ng fats. Err. What am I saying, anyway? Sorry. I must have lost my mind already. Minsanan ko na rin makita ang Kadz ko. They have their own lives, too. I respect that. Ako na lang ata ang nag-iisang teambahay sa amin eh. Pumapasok na silang tatalo… pati na rin yung dalawa pang nasa malayo. Ah! I miss them a lot! I wish I could fly… para naman maka-steal ako ng konting oras na makita sila at maka-bonding. Haha, as if! I’m sorry if I am using our language already. Anyways, I am still happy because they are going to school already. I am a happy go lucky person. Yay! It makes me sad though. Kasi nga mas busy na sila. (Sana busy na rin ako para even. Grr.) I thanked them! They were the first friends that I’ve met since I moved here. Ugh! Accidentally, bigla na lang kaming naging Kadz. Haha. I must tell this to my Barkada. For the mean time, hindi muna. Di ko pa alam kung paano i-nanarrate yung “mini story” naming Kadz eh. Life is… err…. masyadong complicated. Little by little, nakikilala ko sila. I do hope that I could really give my trust in them. Not bad, eh? Wish lang… sana matupad. Hahaha.

This is my first entry as my journal. It is up to you if you’ll read it. It is still a blog anyway… a more personal blog, though. Thank you friend! Take care. 잘 자! ♥

with so much love,

Moelaine