Posted in A blog, Personal, Story, The nearing end...

how i met him (and how it ended)

According to a book I’ve read, people come and go, forever drifting in and out of our lives. Some would stay but some would just pass by. It hurts that the ones you wanted to stay the most are the ones who leave.
In my case, he didn’t just leave. But he also snatched the little happiness that he brought me and left me sadness instead. I shouldn’t let myself drown in that ocean of happiness and fleeting moments. No. I should have just stayed in the shore and never get in the water in the first place. I forgot. I don’t know how to swim. Now, I am slowly drowning at the bottom of the ocean where sadness lies– where screaming for help would be useless because no one would hear me.
It’s funny how I still wish for him to come back even though I’ve been hurt already. It’s an epic choice to still hope for that guy to come and save me. But how could he? In the first place, he was the one who pushed me to drown. And it’s stupid how willingly I am to still hope and to look like fool for nothing. Because frankly speaking, I thought we’d have that little piece of forever. I had hoped for that. But then I guess we can’t find forever with the wrong guy– with the wrong person.
In the end, this was just a long chapter of a book where he played a significant role then vanished after portraying it. Now, I have to the turn the page and get over it. But how?

They say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I wish I can hope for that easily, but how can I have that rainbow if it’s always raining whenever I wake up?

* * *

Actually right now, even if I am trying to pick up my pieces and surviving to live, the pain still lingers. It creeps in to my body, trying to destroy me once again. But I am trying to prevent that from happening again because the guy who was supposed to protect me left me already.

I wish it would be easier to move on. Because whenever I think about him, I just break down and cry. I just love him so much that it hurts to think that he’s gone. He left me.

But the funny part is that I will still see him this coming semester. He’s my classmate after all. How can I live with that?

Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

Posted in A blog, Personal, PERSONALity

Course Cost

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If I won’t succeed in this field, I don’t know anymore.

I love writing.

Well, maybe writing to you this now gives you a more realistic proof. Pero minsan, kahit anong passionate mo sa isang bagay, may instances talaga na hindi mapupunta sa’yo yung hinahangad mo… even though you’ve given everything that you could possibly offer just to attain that dream… that goal. Did I lack something? Didn’t they like what they got? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore… was the questions that you’re constantly asking to yourself. The questions that seem to give you that depressing feeling.

Yung mga sinagot ko sa mga tanong nila… they contained true feelings. When I was finished, sabi ko worth it yun. Worth it yung pagiging honest mo at pagsabi kung gaano ka ka-dedicated mag-sulat. Pero ngayon? I can’t feel it anymore.

Just like what A said in Every Day, the universe doesn’t care about us… that’s why we have to care for each other. I didn’t know that this reality hurts much more than I expected.

I can’t stop this feeling. I am anxiously thinking about my course application. I got interviewed the other day already and they said that I met the basic requirements and the such. But I still worry about passing it or not. I mean, we have to receive a message confirming that we have passed the interview, but then I haven’t received any, given that my fellow applicants who were interviewed received one already.

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Alam mo yung feeling?

Yung chapter one ka pa lang sa nobelang binabasa mo eh melodramatic na yung scenes. It’s sad, right? You are still at the beginning of our story and you’re already facing such struggle.

I know. I am being pessimistic right now. With all honesty, I can’t help it. When I was interviewed, I was given that hope of passing it. That hope was presented in front of me and I grabbed it without any hesitation. I grabbed it without even thinking about the aftermath of that decision. Sabi sa’kin na okay naman yung grades ko. I was so proud to tell them that I am a blogger and a writer… hoping that it will help in my application. I was hoping deep inside. I was hoping na sana kuhanin nila ako… na maisip nila na may potential ako. Alam ko namang malaking yung risk kapag umasa ka. Malaki yung pwede mong makuha, pero malaki rin ang pwedeng mawala sa’yo. Ang sakit pala talaga. Ang sakit. Sobra.

Hindi ba sapat na sabihin mong gusto mong magsulat at gusto mong mag-improve? Hindi ba sapat na eager kang matuto pa?

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Feeling ko para akong lapis eh… matulis nga pero madaling maputol at nabubura na lang ng ganun kadali. Madaling masaktan… madaling kalimutan. Ang drama.

But I haven’t failed yet, right? Well, the confirmation that I did haven’t arrived yet. Will I still hope then?

sincerely,

A Student