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Halik na Sabik

blog #1+

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Basing from the title, tingin ko alam niyo o naiisip nyo na kung ano ang topiko ko ngayong gabing ito.

Halik.

Noong bata ako, hindi ko pa naiisip ang mga bagay na ganito. Nakapokus lang ang attention ko sa pag-aaral. Aral-bahay, iyan na lang ata ang routine ko noon. Tapos nag high school, at medyo.nag-landi na rin kung saan na-addict sa k-drama at kpop idols and eventually naging koreaboo. Napabayaan ang pag-aaral. Nagkaroon ng mga bagsak. Kahit ganoon, go pa rin sa pagiging hopeless romantic na teenager. Nasimulan na eh, why not itodo-todo na.

Naalala ko pa nga. Noong first year high school ako sinusulatan ko ng love letter yung first love ko (whispers: salutatorian namin nung elem) tapos iniipon ko sa shoe box nq maraming decor. Those were letter which were never receieved by the person who should be reading it. Ewan ko ba. Naglalandi ako pero hindi naman makapal mukha ko.

Well, eventually, nauntog din ako sa katotohanang walang mangyayaring magic na bigla na lang mapupunta yung sulat sa kamay nya. Wala eh.

So, I decided to burn them. Yes, sinunog ko talaga. Umiiyak-iyak pa nga ako nun eh. Hindi ba alam. Hindi naman naging kami. Pero siguro, nakaramdam ako ng panghihinayang nung time na yun.

I got over it.

Second year high school. Ito yung na-in love ako sa seatmate ko. Paano ba naman eh mapang-asar. Attention-seeker ata ang loko. Lagi akong hinihingan ng snacks kapag recess o di kaya correction tape at 1/4 na papel. Sana nga hingin na rin pati ‘oo’ ko. Pero syempre joke lang yun.

Anh ending namin? Hindi maganda. Nagustuhan ko sya at ang mas malala pa, noong nauntog na naman ako sa katotohanang hinding-hindi nya ako magugustuhan, nakasulat ako ng kanta. Hanep, di ba?

Umiiyak na naman ako nung time na yun. I was hoping that stories I read in Wattpad would come alive in my own page, pero hindi eh. Malabo talaga.

Pero bata pa naman ako noon eh.

Kaso, pumasok ang third year high school— panahon ng pinakamahirap na taon sa high school.

Syempre, may mga bagsak pa rin ako. Every grading period yun at walang palya. Kaso eto ang nakakaloka. Yung failing grade ko sa Organic Chemistry ng first grading na 2.75 naging 2.0 ba naman ng malupit sa sumunod na markahan. Paano ba naman eh natakot na ang lola mo kaya nagpa-tutor. Tapos doon ko mas naintindihan yung lesson kaya pagdating ng exam, petiks na lang. Na-1.25 ko yung exam, hanep! Akala pa nung ibang teacher eh nandaya ako. Hindi naman po. Pagsusumikap ang tawag dun.

So, sa taong iyon, mas nag-level ang paglalandi ko. Imagine!

Nagka-boyfriend ako. I met him through my cousin. Niligawan nya ako ng halos kalahating taon at sinagot ko sya ng Christmas day. Kaso wala eh.

Napagtanto ko na kahit anong day mo pa sagutin yung tao, basta hindi kayo click, wala talaga. Sasaboh at sasabog ang relasyon.

Wala pang isang buwan, wala na. Walang break-up. Basta bigla na lang nawalan ng komunikasyon. Minahal ko siya. Siguro. Masyado pa kasi akong bata noom para maitnindihan ng malaliman yung pagmamahal.

Pagdating ng huling taon sa high school, sabi ko awat na sa landi-landi na yan. Graduation muna, ples.

Kahit papaano, nag-focus naman na ako sa pag-aaral at sa wakas, naisuot ko rin yung toga na green.

Pasok sa kolehiyo. Namili ng kursong inaasahan kong mag eenjoy ako. Nakakilala ng friends and roommates… At syempre, nakakilala ng lalaling hindi ko inasahang makakakuha ng first kiss ko.

Bilang babae, siguro lahat tayo may ideal look ng first kiss. Yung tipong romantic. Yung tipong mapapapikit ka at parang titigil yung mundo— may fountain o firsworks at nakataas yung isa mo pang paa. Mga ganitong imahinasyon ba. Ano? Bukingan na?

Ganyan kasi sa akin eh. Mataas expectation ko sa first kiss ko.

Kaso totoo talaga yung expectation vs. reality eh.

Matutulog ako nun sa lap ng boyfriend ko. Nakaka-bagot kasi manood ng kahit ano sa youtube that time, so dating gawi— matulog sa lap ni boyfie.

So, habang nakapikit ako at hinuhuli ko yung antok ko, bigla nya akong tinanong kung pwede daw ba nya akong halikan. Sabi ko pwede naman, pero guys talaga nung una may takot talaga ako sa halik-halik na yan at iba pala talaga kapag ikaw na ang nahalikan.

Then, while eyes closed, he kissed me. Mabilis lang sya pero naramdam ko kaya nagulat din ako. Grabe. Nahihiya akong harapin sya noon. I don’t know why. Basta.

It waa his first kiss as well, just so you know. Kaya nakakatawa kasi hindi talaga kami marunong humalik.

Nasundan yun ng dalawa pang kiss para lang matuto konti. It was just a short kiss, nothing more, pero yung kabog ng dibdib ko ay sobra.

So, habang nag-uusap sa chat one time, nasabi ko sa kanya na huwag muna kaming pumunta sa level ng passionate kiss or a deeper one. Makakapaghintay naman yun eh.

Ang ayaw ko kasi, aware ako na our bodies can betray. It does. Aminin niyo! So as much as possible, habang sane pa lahat ng isipan, iwasan muna na mapunta sa kung ako and by that, simulan sa pag-iwas sa passionate kiss.

Actually hindi yung kwento kaso inaantok na ako. Hopefully, matuloy ko sya bukas.

Remember: hindi porke mahal mo, required na ang kiss. It’s a choice between you and your partner.

Ciao~

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i kissed him on the cheek

First of all, this is something like a confession and, at the same time, an inquiry. So please, feel free to answer me. I badly need that. I am just so confused.

So, last time (I really cannot recall the exact date) when my bf brough me back to my boarding house (a place where I stay while studying), I suddenyl kissed him… On the cheek only. Don’t be too excited. Haha. Confessing my feelings first was purely enough. Kissing him first (on the lips) is too much.

So, yan. I kissed hin on the cheek. He was taken aback. He almost push me because he was so surprised. I wanted to make fun of his reaction that time but that would kill the moment. Then I told him that maybe that’s how my reaction will be when he’ll kiss me on the lips. Well, I really don’t know. I just really hope that I won’t punch him. Haha.

Here’s the case. I haven’t kissed anyone before on the lips. In some sense, my lips are still “virgin”. Lol

Also, he was the first guy (other than my dad) whom I kissed on the cheeks. I was feeling cloud nine when I entered my room. If it wasn’t for the presence of my roommates, I believe I would have screamed right then. I was trying to suppressed it. What more if it’s on the lips, right? I really can’t imagine.

Then, he asked if it was okay to kiss me on the lips. To be honest, I really don’t know what to answer, especially when he’d ask that out of nowhere. I just answered that maybe, I don’t know.

I want to. I really do. I love him. But I know too that I am confused and afraid at the same time.

I value kisses on lips, okay? Call me names but I really do. It feels like virginity. I just can’t give it to anyone. I want it to be special. And I love him. It’s just that I am afraid because I know that were not yet certain that we’ll be together in the end. I am afraid.

I am confused because I want to do it also but I also don’t want to. I don’t wabt him to misinterpret that abd think that I don’t what him to kiss me. I am just confused of myself, that’s all. I don’t want to offend him in any way.

If it will happen, then okay. I cannot undo it anymore if ever. I just really hope I’ll be ready because at this moment, I know I’m not.

So, what shall I do? Shall I even do something? I don’t know.

P.S.

This is an outright blog so I really didn’t have the time to proof read. It’s 2:53 am already and I need to sleep. Got a ton of works to do. Ugh. College! Night.

Posted in blog, Uncategorized

Really

To be honest, I am so done with my course. The things tha we were supposed to do are nit the things that they prioritize. I just want to feel fulfilled that what we’re doing is vital for the future of humanity. Why does it feels like we are just doing these requirements for grades? Why would they limit us to that? Why can’t we feel liberated to do what we think is good as well?

Researches, information needs assessment, thesis and many more… These are things that we’re not used to do that is why we need guides. We need help. We cannot just crawk on our own and just hear your scolding about our “stupidity” or “dumbness”. That’s unfair, really. What we need is motivation to keep on.

Look. Your designation as professors or doctor of philosophy, do they really matter if you are not an effective educator anymore?

I think no. I’d rather have instructors. At least they give us more of their time. At least their prioritize our learning more.

You must enhance us to get ready right?

Knowledge is useless if all that you do is boast about it. It’s pathetic and irritating at the same time.

You must share what you know. Don’t be so full of yourselves.