Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

SOUNDCLOUD: STAY WITH ME (찬열, 펀치)

Listen to CHANYEOL, PUNCH (찬열, 펀치) – Stay With Me [Goblin OST Part 1] by L2ShareOST11 #np on #SoundCloud

I am so into this song right now. It makes me feel nostalgic even if I haven’t actually watched the drama (Goblin). I just love how Punch and Chanyeol’s voice blend well at the chorus part. The rap’s really good as well. I was wondering for a monent if I was really listening to an OST or was actually listening to another song of EXO. I don’t why but Chanyeol’s voice just reminds me that he’s a part of EXO and his good rapping skills and vocals add up into that. I think that’s unavoidable. Punch and Chen’s Everytime (Descendants of the Sun OST) is as better as this. I really love it! Great song! ♥♥♥
Stay With Me… please?

Posted in A blog, blog, To the end of life...

GROWN

Maybe that’s the inevitable part of growing up. You tend to become too emotional– more emotional than when you were a cry baby. As you grow old, every tear that will fall from those eyes will mean something more than a plea for some milk. Maybe the reason’s about a barely failing relationship. Or it can be about a dying family member. No. Maybe, it will be about your own guilt about every bit of mistake that you’ve done and that you can never undo anymore.
I told you. People become more emotional while growing up. But at the end of the entire process, you might not feel anything anymore. You might feel like you accomplished nothing all through out your whole life. But you won’t care because you can’t do anything anymore. That’s the moment when we forgot everything… and we die silently and slowly without feeling anything emotional. We die as our memories in this wrecked world die with us.

Posted in blog, Uncategorized

Dear Momster

This is actually dedicated to my cousin. Well, I kinda know her story (her family’s conflicts and the like). I decided to write this for her.

In here, you’ll see what a child raised in a broken and complicated family really feels deep deep deep down inside (well, basing from her rants and expressions)


Dear Mommy,

It’s been a long time since you left. Honestly, I don’t recall anymore how I felt when you took your leave. I was too young to remember it. You left the country because you had some issues here, and the fact that daddy had an affair with another woman and got her pregnant adds up to your reasons.

I grew up within my grandparents’ care. I am with my younger sibling. I don’t know if you know this but I miss you a lot mom. I miss it when you come home with that pizza box in your hand. I miss it when you hug me at night whenever I am having a nightmare. I miss your touch mommy. I miss you a lot.

But then the fact that we didn’t have much time to create more memories worsen my misery. I feel empty.

Daddy usually visits us and gives us money, but not for long. Not too long. I guess some people chooses to be selfish rather than their vowed responsibilities. Mind if I tell you that grandpa gets mad every time he sees him. Well, who wouldn’t, right?

Mom, I hate to say this coz I think it’ll upset you,  but I love daddy as much as I love you. And I miss him. I still have our memories together. My sister might not have one because she was too young when this so-called family became an ash.

To be honest, I envy her. I wish I didn’t have any memories of us together. I wish I wouldn’t have to hold on to that.

Years passed and you still didn’t have the courage to come home. Well, I can talk to you through international call, and I can see you through Skype. But mom, frankly speaking, it’s utterly not enough. Totally not.

Where are you when I was a part of the top students? Where are you when I was about to receive that fake-gold plated medal? Where are you when my aunt had to attend that in your behalf? Where are you and daddy when I wanted to show you that I’v been a good child?

As time passes, I learned to accept this ill-fated life that we have. That’s the only thing that I can do, I guess? Accept. And accept.

I had come to the conclusion that we won’t be just like before, that’s why I learned to envy the other kids. Yes. You fill us with gadgets, bags and things that any child would love to have. But you can never fill that part in us which longs for motherly love.

I love you mom! I do. But I hate you whenever you call and I can’t answer immediately. That’s not the point anyway. The thing is, you get mad easily at us. You even curse at us. Truthfully, that hurts me a lot.

You call us names and trash words… at one point, I have realized the one reason why dad left you-us. He despised your attitude mom. He did. Well, I am not saying that he’s right to cheat on you nor am taking his side. No. I am just saying that it wouldn’t have been easier to fix this if you fixed you first.

Nowadays, whenever you contact us, I wish you didn’t or I wish I just didn’t took that call. I am sick of it mom. All your rants about your mistakes that you never did regret (in the first place); about your enemies (that were never enemies); about your problems (that you created). I am sick of it mom.

I am not wishing that you just don’t call or message us. I just wish that you could be better when talking to us. I just wish that your learn to keep your promises to us. I just hope that you learn to thank the people who show concern and love to you- to us.

You are arguing with grandpa and grandma about money, about our future and about the your problems that you made them carry as well. It hurts whenever you talk to them harshly. I love them. I wish you didn’t have to show disrespect and distrust to your parents. They love you mom. They love you a lot that they accepted to raise us even if they shouldn’t in the first place.

You even create fights with our aunt (your own dear sister!). I don’t understand. All she did was help you by helping us. As a younger sister, she did her best to support you- to cover up for you. But when she did a small thing that didn’t please you, you argue with her as if she didn’t do anything good to you. I respect my aunt, mom. She stood up us second mother. She loves us even if she already had a son to love herself.

Even if you’re hurting her verbally, she didn’t vent her anger to us. I wish you were like that.

You see mom? There’s a lot of things that I’ve learned and realized while growing up. I am afraid I am learning to hate you as well. I hope I won’t.

Mommy, I hope that we could be together again. I do hope as well that you show us your love and concern like a real mom- no curses, no trash words. Is it hard to fulfill?

Toys and gadgets can never replace love in this world Mom. Always remember that.

Please stop acting like a momster. I love you.

 

love,

Eve


Sorry for the incorrect grammar and the like. Haha. Still not good in words huh?

I am a young blogger anyway, so.. Ciao~

Posted in A blog, blog, Uncategorized

Damned Too

Alam mo yung pinaka ayaw ko sa lahat? (Do you know what I hate the most?)

Yung titigan ka nila na parang wala kang nagawa… parang wala lang.

(It’s the way they look at you as if you didn’t do anything… like nothing.)

 

Do you know how frustrating that is? Nakakaloka! (It makes me crazy!)

Even if I exert effort to improve myself, they won’t appreciate it. It will never be enough. Aish! I hate it! I totally hate it!

When will we be able to accept that things change. We’re able to chnage. Can’t she just forget about my past bad attitude? I’m trying! Pathetically trying, hoping that she’ll notice it.

Ako ba talaga yung mali? O sya? (Am I really the one who is at fault? Or it’s her?)

Even if I try to understand the situation, I still can’t understand it!!! Why is it like this? Why?

Tss. Whatever.