Posted in A blog, Personal, Story, The nearing end...

how i met him (and how it ended)

According to a book I’ve read, people come and go, forever drifting in and out of our lives. Some would stay but some would just pass by. It hurts that the ones you wanted to stay the most are the ones who leave.
In my case, he didn’t just leave. But he also snatched the little happiness that he brought me and left me sadness instead. I shouldn’t let myself drown in that ocean of happiness and fleeting moments. No. I should have just stayed in the shore and never get in the water in the first place. I forgot. I don’t know how to swim. Now, I am slowly drowning at the bottom of the ocean where sadness lies– where screaming for help would be useless because no one would hear me.
It’s funny how I still wish for him to come back even though I’ve been hurt already. It’s an epic choice to still hope for that guy to come and save me. But how could he? In the first place, he was the one who pushed me to drown. And it’s stupid how willingly I am to still hope and to look like fool for nothing. Because frankly speaking, I thought we’d have that little piece of forever. I had hoped for that. But then I guess we can’t find forever with the wrong guy– with the wrong person.
In the end, this was just a long chapter of a book where he played a significant role then vanished after portraying it. Now, I have to the turn the page and get over it. But how?

They say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I wish I can hope for that easily, but how can I have that rainbow if it’s always raining whenever I wake up?

* * *

Actually right now, even if I am trying to pick up my pieces and surviving to live, the pain still lingers. It creeps in to my body, trying to destroy me once again. But I am trying to prevent that from happening again because the guy who was supposed to protect me left me already.

I wish it would be easier to move on. Because whenever I think about him, I just break down and cry. I just love him so much that it hurts to think that he’s gone. He left me.

But the funny part is that I will still see him this coming semester. He’s my classmate after all. How can I live with that?

Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

Posted in A blog, blog, To the end of life...

GROWN

Maybe that’s the inevitable part of growing up. You tend to become too emotional– more emotional than when you were a cry baby. As you grow old, every tear that will fall from those eyes will mean something more than a plea for some milk. Maybe the reason’s about a barely failing relationship. Or it can be about a dying family member. No. Maybe, it will be about your own guilt about every bit of mistake that you’ve done and that you can never undo anymore.
I told you. People become more emotional while growing up. But at the end of the entire process, you might not feel anything anymore. You might feel like you accomplished nothing all through out your whole life. But you won’t care because you can’t do anything anymore. That’s the moment when we forgot everything… and we die silently and slowly without feeling anything emotional. We die as our memories in this wrecked world die with us.

Posted in A blog, Personal, PERSONALity

Course Cost

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If I won’t succeed in this field, I don’t know anymore.

I love writing.

Well, maybe writing to you this now gives you a more realistic proof. Pero minsan, kahit anong passionate mo sa isang bagay, may instances talaga na hindi mapupunta sa’yo yung hinahangad mo… even though you’ve given everything that you could possibly offer just to attain that dream… that goal. Did I lack something? Didn’t they like what they got? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore… was the questions that you’re constantly asking to yourself. The questions that seem to give you that depressing feeling.

Yung mga sinagot ko sa mga tanong nila… they contained true feelings. When I was finished, sabi ko worth it yun. Worth it yung pagiging honest mo at pagsabi kung gaano ka ka-dedicated mag-sulat. Pero ngayon? I can’t feel it anymore.

Just like what A said in Every Day, the universe doesn’t care about us… that’s why we have to care for each other. I didn’t know that this reality hurts much more than I expected.

I can’t stop this feeling. I am anxiously thinking about my course application. I got interviewed the other day already and they said that I met the basic requirements and the such. But I still worry about passing it or not. I mean, we have to receive a message confirming that we have passed the interview, but then I haven’t received any, given that my fellow applicants who were interviewed received one already.

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Alam mo yung feeling?

Yung chapter one ka pa lang sa nobelang binabasa mo eh melodramatic na yung scenes. It’s sad, right? You are still at the beginning of our story and you’re already facing such struggle.

I know. I am being pessimistic right now. With all honesty, I can’t help it. When I was interviewed, I was given that hope of passing it. That hope was presented in front of me and I grabbed it without any hesitation. I grabbed it without even thinking about the aftermath of that decision. Sabi sa’kin na okay naman yung grades ko. I was so proud to tell them that I am a blogger and a writer… hoping that it will help in my application. I was hoping deep inside. I was hoping na sana kuhanin nila ako… na maisip nila na may potential ako. Alam ko namang malaking yung risk kapag umasa ka. Malaki yung pwede mong makuha, pero malaki rin ang pwedeng mawala sa’yo. Ang sakit pala talaga. Ang sakit. Sobra.

Hindi ba sapat na sabihin mong gusto mong magsulat at gusto mong mag-improve? Hindi ba sapat na eager kang matuto pa?

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Feeling ko para akong lapis eh… matulis nga pero madaling maputol at nabubura na lang ng ganun kadali. Madaling masaktan… madaling kalimutan. Ang drama.

But I haven’t failed yet, right? Well, the confirmation that I did haven’t arrived yet. Will I still hope then?

sincerely,

A Student

Thoughts

Turning your thoughts into words is like making a perfect coffee.

You have to make it less bitter and less sweet. The bitterness might ruin the mood and meaning… and the sweetness might overlap the emotions. It has to be balanced. The warmth feeling is a must as well… it gives a comfy feel.

Posted in A blog

Tangling Words


When I was a kid, I had thought a lot of things that I might be going to be when I grow up. I imagined myself becoming a doctor, having to cure the sick. I imagined myself become a teacher, teaching kids how to read and write. I imagined myself cooking in a high-class restaurant or hotel, serving a lot of guests as the main chef. I had imagined a lot of things back when I was still too innocent. Then suddenly, I found myself realizing that these where just figments of my imagination that was only attainable by physical labor. I ended up writing them for now.

 

            Along the way, I have met a lot of people, there were few who stayed and there were many who just passed by. It’s enticing how people make choices and choose the wrong ones. There’s some who wants to become a teacher but ended up as a caregiver. There were others who want to become a stewardess and ended up a tourist guide. This world is practically round, and figuratively, confusing. It has the ability to give us wounds and leave scars in us. It’s just a matter of how we’re going to cure ourselves because no one will do that for us. It can play with your life, and all you have to do is to accept the misfortunes that it’ll give you. Well, I wish I won’t end up like this people—ending up with the choice that they never really wanted and regretted. I want to follow that path that I know I won’t doubt nor regret. I want to see what’s coming and believe that it’ll going to take me to somewhere I’d love to stay for a long time. I’d want to take the people who stayed with me as well, because honestly, they’ve been a great part of my journey.

            The problem is that I still don’t have any fixed dream. Yes. I once wanted to become a doctor, but ended up disliking it because blood is part of the job. I wanted to become a teacher but hated it in the end because I saw how my former teachers tend to get mad every now and then. I mean, who would want to become a grumpy woman—an old maid at that. I am not so selfless to dedicate myself to children. I am not fond of kids anyway, and they do hate me. I felt empty then. It felt like I had no goal. I am walking. Yes. Or running rather, but I didn’t have any flag to reach or finish line to finish. It was all pointless—all those sleepless nights of reviewing to maintain my rank; all those lonely moments that I had to feel without any real friends just so I could be different from them. I didn’t want to, but I had taught that it was good to be. The funny part was that I ended up hating it. I hated the times when I couldn’t even share my thoughts as a kid to my classmates because I thought they won’t understand—that my way of thinking was way too different from them. It felt difficult to breathe in. Yes. I was too full of myself. I was a selfish brat.

            In my six years in elementary, reality struck me like a lightning bolt at last! I remember that I was a fourth grader that time. I had this crazy but witty teacher. She always talked a lot. I tried to admire her—I swear I did. But then I just couldn’t make myself like someone whom my guts dislike in the first place. I didn’t hate her nor cursed her. I just dislike her. Well, she taught a lot of things to me—to us—which I think were definitely useful unlike the boring and stuffy things other teacher always tell. You know their life stories that weren’t even a part of the lesson. No one could stop them. They were teachers anyway. What could a barely ten-year-old kid do to stop them blubbering about their unsolicited story life? We were too young to know about our rights as kids of this nation. I am getting way too far from the main point, am I not? Well, okay, she became my teacher for a year or a couple? Honestly, I really don’t remember how long, but then I do remember this one moment when she talked to me. It was almost a sermon. I was there listening to her remarks about me in need to love Math so it would love me back—I guarantee you, I tried this method but it didn’t really work—but Math didn’t. I think I wasn’t really lovable, or that Math just lacks emotions. I prefer the latter. Back to the topic, I was sitting there—all ears, what a lucky woman! —almost looking like I was waiting for her to say the punch line. And then the punch line did really come. It came to me like a real punch leaving me bruises and scars after the entire torture. She told me that I wasn’t really smart. No, the word was a little bit harsher than that. She told me that I was dumb—stupid. I was the smartest among the most stupid. It does ring a bell, right? I was silently listening to her, only to hear her mockery. I got upset that time, but later on—after some years—I found out she was right. I was stupid, indeed.

            I entered high school and found myself sinking below the ground. No perfect scores in quizzes or exams. The bad news was that I had my first failed grade, in my entire life, in my first year. The punch line was true after all. I should have known better. I wasn’t different or smart. I acknowledged that.

            Stupid or smart, I still kept on moving—walking towards my no goal goal. Then, I found myself writing. I poured my thoughts into writing. I had my diary, scribbled my day into it and drew some sketches about the small things that made my day. It was like I was sharing a part of me into something and that something assured me that it can protect that piece of me. I felt secured then. I found comfort in writing. I ended up loving the simple utterance of words—whether they were simple or deep. I was so into it that I love discovering a new word through reading a novel or dictionary. It was like I was taking up a journey without facing the rough road or deep ocean—just sitting on my bed or in a corner; containing every word that story I was reading would throw at me and searching for an answer of what it really means. It was exciting! I thought I found a new dream.

            I admire writers. I started to dream to become one. No. I definitely want to become one. I started with scratch. A few one shots here and some unfinished stories there. I had typos, misspelled words and incorrect grammars. I totally became a trash. My works were trashes—at least, for me. Even though I really couldn’t come up with a good one, I still tried—hoping I’d make a better plot. I was determined to improve. I believe that I will.

            I saw reading as my good resort. It was like my cohort, where I could get some ideas or advice whenever I am in trouble.

Well, I was in trouble writing a good story. So, I ended up relying on experiences through the perspectives of those fictional characters. I sorted things out and then found myself creating a new character and a world where that character can only live. My dream became bigger. I was bewitched by that possibility that I choose that good choice—the right one. I hope and pray that I did.

            I want to tangle each word into a knot and hope other people would try to untangle it by themselves like how I did with mine—solving the pieces that I let them see. I wish I did the good part.

The Struggle is Real

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I’d fall or not

I wrote this a month ago. I hope it makes sense. Haha. Well, my deepest apology for the incorrect grammars or typos. I am not a good proofreader. Jiji.

I am little into sad or tragic topics. Well, I suck at funny things but I laugh at the most trivial and nonsensical stuffs. Ironic, isn’t it?

Well, anyways, Thanks a lot!


 

Falling. 

If it requires to feel pain in order to fall, then I’d rather not. Falling, in a simple sense that the initial pull of gravity will force you to reach the solid ground– making you shatter into small pieces. All you have to do to create a new you is to collect the fragments from that fall. It would be like creating an invention out of recycled garbage. Why? Because there wasn’t anyone who’s brave enough to catch you. Now you have to fix yourself all alone.

Maybe, you’re dumb enough to jump from that cliff by yourself, hoping there’d be someone who’ll guarantee that you won’t get hurt.

But sometimes, it is hoping that makes our story cruel. If there won’t be any hope in the first place, then there won’t be any expectations.

Or on the contrary, maybe you’re more afraid of going back, because it requires you to begin again– and you hate repeating things. It would be like a replayed football game that you’ve predicted the end results. You got used to the changes– to the challenges you faced along the way– thus, there’s no way for you to  go back to the starting line again. It is tiring after all.

After all these events in your life, you realized that you won’t teach the intangible finish line unless you experience the real struggle of falling.


 

I hope that you just didn’t associate this short essay with love. It’s in general.

carpe diem everyone!

Posted in A blog, Bitterness at its best

Dear Momster (The Second Letter)

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I don’t want to be a Momster.

Something sad happened so I decided to write this in my cousin’s behalf. I just want to remind everybody that she doesn’t know that I am writing this for her nor our family members. Thus, I don’t use their real names. I hope you understand.


Mommy,

I don’t have any time to have proper greetings, mom. I don’t even want to greet you.

What happened to you? Why did you became worse than before? I hate you, mom!

You just called and talked to grandpa and grandma. You fought about this business that you started. You talked to them like their not your parents. You showed disrespect to them, mom. I hate you! Aren’t you thankful to them that they raised us instead of you? Aren’t you happy that they loved us?

What I am really scared of right now is the possibility that you might cause them to have a heart attack. You don’t even consider their health conditions. All you did was cause them problems to worry about. I love it whenever they smile or laugh, even if they were because of stupid reasons. I am happy and contended when they are happy, mom. Why are you trying to take that away?

I don’t understand you anymore mom. You’re pressuring me as well, telling me that I am the only one who takes your side. Why are you making every one your enemy mom? No one wants to fight with you! You are the one who created the conflicts, the problems, and the misunderstandings! I hate you mom!

You even curse at them. You know what? I figured out that you will never change. Never will. I’m tired of all your reasons mom! I am not blind. You’re sick- totally sick!

Don’t you realize? You’re a burden to them! We’re a burden to them but they chose to carry us even if the weight is unbearable. Why can’t you see that mom? You’re so selfish.

You think that you suffer? How about us? How about my younger sister? How about everyone whom you dragged into this? Your pain is self-inflicted mom. That’s self-pity!

You pity yourself and you praise your own self as well. You call us stupid? Mosquito-minded (utak-ipis)? What about you? Why don’t you check yourself mom? When will you try to choose your words before you speak?

I wanted peace. But you created this war that nobody wanted. You created it and all of us became a mess.

Mommy, when will you look at us as your family not as some kind of slave you can command any time? When will you give your trust to us? When will you fix your mindset? There are people who tries to understand you. Even if it is tiring, they still try.

When will you wash out the madness and sadness you obsessively keep in your heart? When?

When I grow up, I wish I wouldn’t be like you. No– scratch that– I wouldn’t even try to be like you. I don’t want to feed a monster inside of me.

-Eve

Posted in A blog

Reblogged: God’s Thoughts

There is no reality but God all else is illusion. This rock seems solid scientists tell us it is not. Do I see what I think I see or only in my thoughts? Perhaps even I do not exist except in God’s contemplation. So where does this idea leave me? At what point do I […]

via God’s Thoughts — Source of Inspiration

God always thinks about us… ALWAYS. 🙂

But have I ever thought about Him for a long period of time? Have I?