That’s just how I describe my relationship with him. My heart was in chaos whenever I am with him. It starts beating really fast with a simple smile or a sudden touch to my skin.
I feel like a lady whenever I am with him. Yes. That’s just how I describe it. And I love him. But I know that’s not enough. Sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you love someone you are already entitled to have that love and take it for granted. You can’t just claim it (even if he’s feeling the same way too) if it’s not right. And our time isn’t right.
For the past four months, I have felt many emotions. I laugh. I cried. I smiled. Then cried again. I became worried that the happiness might consume me or the sadness will. I was thinking about my priorities — God, school, family and self. And I have found out as I assess myself, he honestly wasn’t on the top list. I had a lot of things to do that I don’t think I can prioritize that kind love, this worldly love. I have a God who can love me unconditionally. A mom and a sister who’ll stay with me. But it was such a unfortunate mistake to rely with the love that he is giving. I am grateful for that love but I had forgotten about the things which came first. My commitments became nothing to me. I have diverted my attention to a relationship which I have no assurance if it will last. I forgot about my commitment to God, to my mom, to school, to my other responsibilities. I was too impulsive thinking that I can handle it. Later on, I have realized that I can’t. I am already hurting the Lord because of my disobedience. I have let myself love someone who He didn’t approve to be loved by me at the moment, in the first place. I disobeyed Him. I went on my own way. Hurt Him. I am also about to hurt my mom and my sister. They’re sacrificing a lot for me, but I am taking it for granted. I am so selfish. I am just thinking about my own happiness.
I love this guy. I do, really. I love him that it really hurts to accept the fact that it isn’t right. That is why this feeling is a misplaced one. Maybe I can say that loving him is right, but it is just in the wrong moment, wrong time.
I love him that it makes me cry. I am about to break the heart of the guy I love in order to save our hearts from even hurting more.
Last Sunday, I had given him the right to call me his girlfriend. It was out of control, that situation. Everything’s a mess. I acted impulsively. I am so guilty. Then now, even if days had only passed since we started dating, I decided to break it off. I decided to break our hearts so that it won’t break even more, so that people around us won’t get hurt as well.
At 1 am, I am writing this as I am crying. I am thinking about how much I have disobeyed God. I have surrendered my life to Him a long time ago and started serving Him. But I came to a point that I had a reservation. I didn’t commit fully. And that wasn’t right.
I hate to break my boyfriend’s heart, but my relationship with God and His plans for me is rather more important. I should have listened to that part of me a long time ago. Maybe we won’t reach this point, this point where in we started something that needed to end quickly.
I don’t know what I’ll tell him, how I’ll make him understand. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to tell him. I am afraid. Yes. But I am more afraid of losing God… Of losing my connection with him.
I love my boyfriend. But this is wrong, so wrong. This is utterly misplaced. I realized I am not yet ready to enter a relationship. I can’t handle it. I am too weak, too unprepared. Besides, the Lord doesn’t approve.
I am hurting. But that’s okay. In the future, I know that what I am about to do is right. I just have to step forward and take an action.
Considering of my situation, I just want to impart someone that loving is not easy. You have to consider a lot of things before taking a chance. You have too in order to prevent anyone from getting hurt.
Lastly, I want to tell him, even if he won’t even read this blog, that my feelings for him is real. The butterflies in the stomach, the sheepish smiles, the suppressed laughs, the annoying pouts and tiring tantrums were real. I enjoyed that four months. I cannot call it worth it yet, as I am uncertain. But I do hope. And I also hope hurting is worth the tears. I love you.
He doesn’t have any idea how much I want to hug him and kiss him. But I can’t.
Thank you for your irritating smile, your weird antics, corny jokes, natural sweetness and obvious concern. I am feeling the love you are giving me. I am feeling it that’s why it’s hard to for me to let it go. I guess I am not the one God planned for you and maybe I am, we just had it in the wrong moment.
Nevertheless, I love you. And I am sorry.
I’ll be a bad person to you. I’ll hurt you. But I am wishing you the best and happiness, even if I won’t be one of the reasons anymore.
Hello, to the nearing end of how I met him.
I wrote it because I can’t tell this to anyone close to me. I am too ashamed of myself. I am a bad person, a selfish one.