Posted in To the people who love...

Unhooked Bra

words//

Unhooking my bra
Got me reminded of
How you walked out
Of my little world

You drifted away
Without even looking
Back at me or
Back at the past

We’ve created together
Unhooking us
Just to be able to
Breathe from me

And from this
Tight rope of promise
We used to call us
It was like

A hook in a bra
Two small pieces
Of rusting metal
Trying to hold

On to each other
Parted ways in the end
And you, the one
I’d thought would

Keep it strong and firm
Was the first one
Who cut ties with me
As if aggresively

Pulling off the only
Support we’d ever have
And i, then one
Who was left behind

Keeps going back to
The past happiness
While passing by
The sadness

Seemingly these
Marks created
By the bond we once
Had, had stayed at

The mid part of my back
Right on the gentle skin
As if marking the place
We once called ours

Ours that as hours
Pass by our lives
The once moments
Drifted away, faded

Like an old mark
So every time i get
To dress up for
A new day’s task

I got to be reminded
First hand of you
To how we’ve parted
And still, i, like

An old habit
Choose to
Look back to
Anything that’s left

As if choosing to
Wear the same
Old and worn out bra
Each time i connect

The two tiny metals
Of my overused bra
I’d silently wish
That closing the gap

Will also mean
Closing the possibility
That we won’t be
Together again.

//

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Posted in The nearing end...

Gaano ba?

words//

Gaano ba sapat kalalim
ang sugat sa puso mo
para magkaroon ka
ng karapatang umiyak
dahil kung ako ang sasagot
 
ng tanong na iyan
hindi ko alam
hindi ko na alam
kung saang banda na
nakaabot ang panang
 
tumagos sa aking laman
na sayang nagbukas
ng pinto para sa sakit
na makapasok
at handang sirain
 
ang aking kalamnan
puso o laman
walang katumbas ang
sugat na ginuhit niyon
sa aking katawan na
 
gutay-gutay at wala
manlang laban
lalaban pa sana ako
sa digmaang sinimulan
ng mga takot sa isip ko
 
na nagbigay hudyat sa mga
pana para tamaan ang
kahinaang meron ako
wala ako sa tamang
wisyo at lakas para
 
para itaas pa ang
espada na kayang
putulin ang ugat na
kumokonekta sa sakit
na binibigay niyon
 
kung karapatan man din
ang pag-uusapan ay tiyak
na diyan ako may laban
dahil taglang ko ang
palatandaan na sinlalim na
 
ng bangin kung saan ako
nahulog at nahuhulog
ang sugat sa puso ko na
dulot ng sakit mula sa
digmaang simula pa lang
 
sa simula pa lang
ako ay tinapos na
 
at tapos na nga.


//🖋️📝🏹
Posted in Happy? Or just an ending?, The nearing end...

how i met him: the nearing end

Misplaced feelings.

That’s just how I describe my relationship with him. My heart was in chaos whenever I am with him. It starts beating really fast with a simple smile or a sudden touch to my skin.
I feel like a lady whenever I am with him. Yes. That’s just how I describe it. And I love him. But I know that’s not enough. Sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you love someone you are already entitled to have that love and take it for granted. You can’t just claim it (even if he’s feeling the same way too) if it’s not right. And our time isn’t right.
For the past four months, I have felt many emotions. I laugh. I cried. I smiled. Then cried again. I became worried that the happiness might consume me or the sadness will. I was thinking about my priorities — God, school, family and self. And I have found out as I assess myself, he honestly wasn’t on the top list. I had a lot of things to do that I don’t think I can prioritize that kind love, this worldly love. I have a God who can love me unconditionally. A mom and a sister who’ll stay with me. But it was such a unfortunate mistake to rely with the love that he is giving. I am grateful for that love but I had forgotten about the things which came first. My commitments became nothing to me. I have diverted my attention to a relationship which I have no assurance if it will last. I forgot about my commitment to God, to my mom, to school, to my other responsibilities. I was too impulsive thinking that I can handle it. Later on, I have realized that I can’t. I am already hurting the Lord because of my disobedience. I have let myself love someone who He didn’t approve to be loved by me at the moment, in the first place. I disobeyed Him. I went on my own way. Hurt Him. I am also about to hurt my mom and my sister. They’re sacrificing a lot for me, but I am taking it for granted. I am so selfish. I am just thinking about my own happiness.
I love this guy. I do, really. I love him that it really hurts to accept the fact that it isn’t right. That is why this feeling is a misplaced one. Maybe I can say that loving him is right, but it is just in the wrong moment, wrong time.
I love him that it makes me cry. I am about to break the heart of the guy I love in order to save our hearts from even hurting more.
Last Sunday, I had given him the right to call me his girlfriend. It was out of control, that situation. Everything’s a mess. I acted impulsively. I am so guilty. Then now, even if days had only passed since we started dating, I decided to break it off. I decided to break our hearts so that it won’t break even more, so that people around us won’t get hurt as well.
At 1 am, I am writing this as I am crying. I am thinking about how much I have disobeyed God. I have surrendered my life to Him a long time ago and started serving Him. But I came to a point that I had a reservation. I didn’t commit fully. And that wasn’t right.
I hate to break my boyfriend’s heart, but my relationship with God and His plans for me is rather more important. I should have listened to that part of me a long time ago. Maybe we won’t reach this point, this point where in we started something that needed to end quickly.
I don’t know what I’ll tell him, how I’ll make him understand. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to tell him. I am afraid. Yes. But I am more afraid of losing God… Of losing my connection with him.
I love my boyfriend. But this is wrong, so wrong. This is utterly misplaced. I realized I am not yet ready to enter a relationship. I can’t handle it. I am too weak, too unprepared. Besides, the Lord doesn’t approve.
I am hurting. But that’s okay. In the future, I know that what I am about to do is right. I just have to step forward and take an action.

Considering of my situation, I just want to impart someone that loving is not easy. You have to consider a lot of things before taking a chance. You have too in order to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

Lastly, I want to tell him, even if he won’t even read this blog, that my feelings for him is real. The butterflies in the stomach, the sheepish smiles, the suppressed laughs, the annoying pouts and tiring tantrums were real. I enjoyed that four months. I cannot call it worth it yet, as I am uncertain. But I do hope. And I also hope hurting is worth the tears. I love you.

He doesn’t have any idea how much I want to hug him and kiss him. But I can’t.

Thank you for your irritating smile, your weird antics, corny jokes, natural sweetness and obvious concern. I am feeling the love you are giving me. I am feeling it that’s why it’s hard to for me to let it go. I guess I am not the one God planned for you and maybe I am, we just had it in the wrong moment.

Nevertheless, I love you. And I am sorry.

I’ll be a bad person to you. I’ll hurt you. But I am wishing you the best and happiness, even if I won’t be one of the reasons anymore.

Hello, to the nearing end of how I met him.

Post-script:

I wrote it because I can’t tell this to anyone close to me. I am too ashamed of myself. I am a bad person, a selfish one.

Posted in To the people who love..., To this broken heart...

I farted stars and unicorns

I was asleep; that thin piece of cloth barely covering my body. The night was cold but it didn’t matter. I was lying there, lying on the green grass as if it served as my bed in an open room full of darkness.
It was dark. There wasn’t any sign of light that could give me hope that dawn was near. I was shivering, eyes shut and teeth gritted.
I was waiting for your arrival. I can just choose to leave, but I didn’t. I don’t even want to. You said you’d come back.

You just have to find yourself. But were you lost? I don’t remember seeing your soul leaving your body or the other way around.

I was skeptical to believe your reason but I ended up buying it– ended up waiting in the cold and dark night.
You left me there, remember? I was stretching my arms to you as you slowly walk away from me. Irrational tears fell from my eyes as I watched your retreating back. You said you’d come back and I believed you, even if I know, at the back of my mind, that you’re good in telling lies. When you left, you didn’t even dare to look back as if you haven’t left something, someone– me.
You said you believe in magic. Well, I don’t. You tell me stories about unicorns and damsel in distress and glass slippers. I just listen pretending to be interested to your fictional stories.
I loved you that’s why I forced to make myself be a fan of magic, of mysteries, even if I really don’t.
You see? Magic took you away from me.
When we were together in this same place, hands intertwined, you saw a ting flicker of light. You were fascinated. I even noticed your eyes sparkling. You ought to follow that light, while I stopped you. Then moments passed, you begun telling me that you’re tired, fed up with this whole relationship bound by love. Were you tired of me? Or tired of pretending that you love me?
You’re a liar! You don’t really believe in unicorns and damsels in distress or glass slippers. You hated them. It was just that you thought that I was the one who liked them that’s why you tried liking them as well. But it was such a big mistake to like something you really don’t.
And it’s the same with your feelings. You’re a fat liar, a puppet manipulated by your own greed and ego. You said I was your princess. But you lied again. You saw me as a prey, a bird perhaps. That kind of bird people sell for its beauty. You were my hunter. Like a fool, I let you hunt me and catch. Now that I no longer posses that beauty, you chose to leave me– throwing me like a garbage.
You won’t come back. You won’t. That’s a given

But because I am a fool, I still stay on the same spot where you left me. I look up and stare at the endless darkness.

I noticed stars started floating around me. They were shining so bright. Then unicorns fly leaving a trace of light.

They were coming from me, from me bottom– or the bottom of my heart or stomach. I’m not sure. But they’re beautiful.

Maybe, I farted stars and unicorns, holding the piece of hope that it will bring me light in this dark night and a possibility that one of your lies might be true.

 

* * *

I don’t know if does make any sense. I just hope it does.

Posted in A blog, Personal, Story, The nearing end...

how i met him (and how it ended)

According to a book I’ve read, people come and go, forever drifting in and out of our lives. Some would stay but some would just pass by. It hurts that the ones you wanted to stay the most are the ones who leave.
In my case, he didn’t just leave. But he also snatched the little happiness that he brought me and left me sadness instead. I shouldn’t let myself drown in that ocean of happiness and fleeting moments. No. I should have just stayed in the shore and never get in the water in the first place. I forgot. I don’t know how to swim. Now, I am slowly drowning at the bottom of the ocean where sadness lies– where screaming for help would be useless because no one would hear me.
It’s funny how I still wish for him to come back even though I’ve been hurt already. It’s an epic choice to still hope for that guy to come and save me. But how could he? In the first place, he was the one who pushed me to drown. And it’s stupid how willingly I am to still hope and to look like fool for nothing. Because frankly speaking, I thought we’d have that little piece of forever. I had hoped for that. But then I guess we can’t find forever with the wrong guy– with the wrong person.
In the end, this was just a long chapter of a book where he played a significant role then vanished after portraying it. Now, I have to the turn the page and get over it. But how?

They say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I wish I can hope for that easily, but how can I have that rainbow if it’s always raining whenever I wake up?

* * *

Actually right now, even if I am trying to pick up my pieces and surviving to live, the pain still lingers. It creeps in to my body, trying to destroy me once again. But I am trying to prevent that from happening again because the guy who was supposed to protect me left me already.

I wish it would be easier to move on. Because whenever I think about him, I just break down and cry. I just love him so much that it hurts to think that he’s gone. He left me.

But the funny part is that I will still see him this coming semester. He’s my classmate after all. How can I live with that?

Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

Posted in PERSONALity, Uncategorized

how i met him

 

If there’s one thing that I learned about life, it’s the reality that we’re not in control of ours. Life is… life is unpredictable. Even if you try so hard to plan things and wish it would happen the way we want it to be, it won’t. There’d be failures or, perhaps, imperfections in that action.

So, when I least expect the big change in my life, where I thought nothing’s new aside from the boring cycle of my college life, that’s where he disrupted my view. Well, maybe, more of interrupted my beliefs. He came, and I didn’t even expect that he’d come this soon. I wish I could ask for more, but I know I can’t. That would be too greedy of me. Therefore, I am letting the time take us. We’re going with the flow, with every click of the long and short hand of the clock. We’re keeping track of the so-called process, as I am silently hoping that at the tail end of this journey, we’ll still meet halfway. Or hopefully, we’ll meet at the end, not apart but together.

At first, he was just the funny guy of the class. I even thought that he was gay because he’s hanging out with girls– cool and pretty girls. We were both from different blocks from the last semester of our first year in college. We met in a very odd way, yes. And I must admit, when I first laid my eyes on him, I find him attractive. He’s not that handsome, really, but he can be himself in front of other people and that’s what makes him extra attractive.

Of course, that admiration did not last long. I didn’t have any plan of creating new chapters of a cliché love story which only meant to end up bad. Anyway, it would be really a miracle if a love story would come to life within our block. But then, a miracle did happen. I was caught up in that moment and I still can’t move on. It really feels surreal for me. I can’t really fathom it– can’t grasp the fact that somewhere between the spaces between him and I, somehow, there’s really a red string connecting us. And this string pulled us together, meeting at the middle. But first, let me recall the process of how we both got there.

I was a dumb girl. I believe I was. A kind of socially-awkward, introvert/extrovert (depends with the mood), and not-so cool teenager. Yes. That’s how I was. Throughout the whole process, I was trying to crawl out of my own shell as the fear tried to creep in. I was excited and anxious at the same time.

Well, he was basically not yet a part of the picture. He was like an outsider. During the first semester of my second year in college, I was not close to any of my new block mates, and all I cared about was my grades and the reputation which I was trying to keep– the not-so cool kind of girl. I had my fears– everyone has. You know, teenage angst.

I didn’t talk to him or any of his friends unless it’s about school. I was intimidated. I just want to close doors and not care at all. But at the beginning of the second semester, that’s where the boring ride of my once Ferris wheel-like life turned to a joyful roller coaster ride. He took his seat there beside and took a ride. Funny enough, I should have fixed the bars surrounding me to prevent me from falling or getting injured, but I forgot to. During that ride, ironically, I feel safe.

I became close to him because of anime. That anime! Yeah. I was also deemed as his interpreter during a class in a major subject. I don’t know. The people inside that room didn’t understand anything that he was trying to say but I did. That’s the reason why I explained it the them. Then boom! I became his interpreter!

That title didn’t last long. People tend to forget funny or sad things easily as if it passes away like people do. They forget them unless some try to remember.

We continued to get closer. First, because of anime. Second, because a friend of mine is a friend of his as well. This friend served as a bridge. Well, that’s what I believe.

He and I were seatmates in our lab. Well, we were if you are sitting behind him. We were not the talkative type of seatmates, but when we start a conversation, I believe it’s anything but logical. It’s odd, but I believed that’s where fun starts. Maybe, sometimes, the logic in our life just disappears and you wouldn’t care enough as long as you enjoy the company of that particular person sitting in front of you. No romance (not yet).

I found myself getting close to him in any way possible. Through chat, call or text. I was letting him open the closed doors. I was trying to fight back the fear. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that I won’t regret what I chose.

I began to observe him and his actions. This was to confirm that inkling which bother me for quite some time already. Right there was the bait, and I, with no hesitation, took it.

I became conscious of everything that he’s doing to me. Walking me home with our other friend even if their way to theirs would be a longer walk; buying me food because I was nagging him to; promising to cook something for me; and messing up with my hair when I cut and dyed it. He was noticing the small things about me while I was noticing the odd actions he was doing. Yes, maybe, we both have our own odd worlds. I tried to deduct his actions. I came up with the conclusion that he might like me, but of course, I wouldn’t just settle with my hypothesis. I need proof just like in a research study, I must find evidence. I can’t just depend on theories. That’s where I started to collect the data. And I was on my journey of finding the answers to my suspicions, I was already beginning to feel that odd feeling. I was starting to like him– well, maybe, like him back. I thought.

So that night came when he called, his laughter was the first sound that I heard. It was not as pleasant as the guys in novels or movies, but I liked the way it sounded through my ears. It’s good. It was a nice kind of good. He was making fun of me. But I didn’t care. I don’t even mind if he’s like that. I care more about answering my queries. I want to have that process, but during that moment, I just can’t wait. I was in a rush. It felt like the ride on the Ferris wheel became faster.

I know we have that stupid belief that guys should make the first move. But who cares? Darn that stereotype.

So, I asked him first. But I just couldn’t make myself say the words. I mean, it is my first jerking time to ever do that. He was waiting at the other side of the line. I was afraid. I was contemplating my future decisions. I came up with the most unbelievable decision that I ever took. I felt different doing that. I was like a cool and reckless kind of person, like I really did not care what other people might say at all. I want to stay with that moment and enjoy it.

I said I like him first. NO. I don’t love him (yet), but I like him. I also told him that it’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I wouldn’t mind. I just wanted him to know.

He said he was nervous. And I could hear his deep sigh from the other line. I started to feel upset when he can’t even just shrug what I said if he doesn’t like me. I was serious that time. I really don’t mind.

It’s cool that I told him, but if he can’t reciprocate that feeling then it’s only ethical to forget about it. But he didn’t. A long pause. Then, he told me not to be a pessimist. But I wasn’t, right? I was just considering possibilities.

That’s where I felt something inside my stomach, as if butterflies were inside, as if they are lurching inside my intestines. I feel odd. I already know the answer, but I still want him to say it. I want him to tell me. It’s some kind of assurance for me, like a confirmation.

He likes me, too. No! He loves me. He said he loves me. Oh! Butterflies! Oh, falling stars. My unicorns! I can’t really explain what I felt that time. I was happy, upset, afraid and excited all at once. I just wanted to cry. He was there. I could hear him, and I was okay. It’s okay, but the loud thump inside my chest distracts my calm soul. It felt surreal, really. Someone liking me like that, liking me real and sincere. My heart, my poor heart was beating so fast as if it can win a race.

I wish… I only wish he won’t get tired, because most of the time people get tired. He agreed with the process that I want to take. Don’t rush. Yes, don’t.

Please, don’t get tired of waiting because I am also waiting— for the perfect timing.

Someday, we’ll reach the end of this long chase. I hope during that time, I would still be able to say, freely and happily, how I’ve also fallen for you.

I love you, too.

 

always,

patatas