Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.

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Author:

writer | blogger | reader | staffer | lover | eater | worshiper Shayeness is a 19-year-old gal born in the year 1998. She's from the Philippines and a pure Filipina. Currently, she's studying at a university where in she takes BS in Development Communication and is in her third year in college. Shayeness writes poems, stories, essays and even songs. She's in love with words. She blogs her works here (wordpress) and in tumblr. Aside from writing, she also loves reading, given that this is where she started having the heart to write. She's also a campus journalist and working at their university's official publication as the feature editor. Aside from writing she's a lover of a lot of things as well, especially cupcakes and cute things. She loves eating a lot but hates junk foods. She's a Christian and she serves God through the worship ministry where in she plays the keyboard (piano). Her personal dream is to someday publish a novel or a book of poem at least once in her life but also pursue her plans (well she doesn't have any yet). She's still thinking if she'd be a disc jockey, a journalist, a layout artist, a reporter, a director or an office-mate. Her chosen course has a lot to offer. It's hard to choose. The important thing is, she plans to have a job.

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