Posted in A blog, blog, Personal, Story

how i met him: update 1

I would be fooling myself if I’ll say that I am so happy right now. Frankly speaking, I’m not. I feel empty.

He said he loves. He said he’d prove it. But nowadays, I am contemplating his feelings towards me, if they were really genuine. I doubt him sometimes. Humans don’t really follow the science of consistency. We change, from good to bad, from bad to worse… Then better and good again. And we’re like that. We are.

Sometimes, he’s sweet. Sometimes, he’s not. He also can’t feel if he offended me with his words or not. I, on the other hand, am scared to tell him that he did. He might think that I am over reacting, that I am sensitive.

He shows less effort than what I expected. I cannot just use his love as my foundation. It won’t be enough. I need to see and feel it. I need him to prove that. I did to build trust because I have some issues on that– trust issues.

“I’ll wait.” That was what he told me. But now, it feels like he’s getting tired of this whole chase. We barely started this unlabeled relationship. Now, it seems like we’re nearing the end.

The end that never had a once upon a time. The end that never had enough magic!

I’m afraid of the conclusion of this story because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t even want to let him go. But there are also our priorities that we have to consider first as well. This frustrates me more. It seems like nothing can fit into their right places that’s why I have to let go one. But I don’t want to.

So, here I am, silently wishing that he’d just stop loving me and praying at the same time that he won’t. I think I am losing my sanity.

Is this really what love does to you? It makes you insane?

I love him. I’ve grown to love him. That’s why I am so afraid right now– afraid that he might get tired of waiting, afraid that he might not.

I hate myself for being this way.

And I hate him for not being that way.

 

I only need assurance. I need to be prepared. I have to.

If only he would just wait a little much longer (and I think these adjectives contradict a lot), I would be willing to love him.

Not now. But later.

 

Please, Chan, wait for me. Wait for us.