I wrote this a month ago. I hope it makes sense. Haha. Well, my deepest apology for the incorrect grammars or typos. I am not a good proofreader. Jiji.
I am little into sad or tragic topics. Well, I suck at funny things but I laugh at the most trivial and nonsensical stuffs. Ironic, isn’t it?
Well, anyways, Thanks a lot!
If it requires to feel pain in order to fall, then I’d rather not. Falling, in a simple sense that the initial pull of gravity will force you to reach the solid ground– making you shatter into small pieces. All you have to do to create a new you is to collect the fragments from that fall. It would be like creating an invention out of recycled garbage. Why? Because there wasn’t anyone who’s brave enough to catch you. Now you have to fix yourself all alone.
Maybe, you’re dumb enough to jump from that cliff by yourself, hoping there’d be someone who’ll guarantee that you won’t get hurt.
But sometimes, it is hoping that makes our story cruel. If there won’t be any hope in the first place, then there won’t be any expectations.
Or on the contrary, maybe you’re more afraid of going back, because it requires you to begin again– and you hate repeating things. It would be like a replayed football game that you’ve predicted the end results. You got used to the changes– to the challenges you faced along the way– thus, there’s no way for you to go back to the starting line again. It is tiring after all.
After all these events in your life, you realized that you won’t teach the intangible finish line unless you experience the real struggle of falling.
I hope that you just didn’t associate this short essay with love. It’s in general.
Something sad happened so I decided to write this in my cousin’s behalf. I just want to remind everybody that she doesn’t know that I am writing this for her nor our family members. Thus, I don’t use their real names. I hope you understand.
I don’t have any time to have proper greetings, mom. I don’t even want to greet you.
What happened to you? Why did you became worse than before? I hate you, mom!
You just called and talked to grandpa and grandma. You fought about this business that you started. You talked to them like their not your parents. You showed disrespect to them, mom. I hate you! Aren’t you thankful to them that they raised us instead of you? Aren’t you happy that they loved us?
What I am really scared of right now is the possibility that you might cause them to have a heart attack. You don’t even consider their health conditions. All you did was cause them problems to worry about. I love it whenever they smile or laugh, even if they were because of stupid reasons. I am happy and contended when they are happy, mom. Why are you trying to take that away?
I don’t understand you anymore mom. You’re pressuring me as well, telling me that I am the only one who takes your side. Why are you making every one your enemy mom? No one wants to fight with you! You are the one who created the conflicts, the problems, and the misunderstandings! I hate you mom!
You even curse at them. You know what? I figured out that you will never change. Never will. I’m tired of all your reasons mom! I am not blind. You’re sick- totally sick!
Don’t you realize? You’re a burden to them! We’re a burden to them but they chose to carry us even if the weight is unbearable. Why can’t you see that mom? You’re so selfish.
You think that you suffer? How about us? How about my younger sister? How about everyone whom you dragged into this? Your pain is self-inflicted mom. That’s self-pity!
You pity yourself and you praise your own self as well. You call us stupid? Mosquito-minded (utak-ipis)? What about you? Why don’t you check yourself mom? When will you try to choose your words before you speak?
I wanted peace. But you created this war that nobody wanted. You created it and all of us became a mess.
Mommy, when will you look at us as your family not as some kind of slave you can command any time? When will you give your trust to us? When will you fix your mindset? There are people who tries to understand you. Even if it is tiring, they still try.
When will you wash out the madness and sadness you obsessively keep in your heart? When?
When I grow up, I wish I wouldn’t be like you. No– scratch that– I wouldn’t even try to be like you. I don’t want to feed a monster inside of me.
There is no reality but God all else is illusion. This rock seems solid scientists tell us it is not. Do I see what I think I see or only in my thoughts? Perhaps even I do not exist except in God’s contemplation. So where does this idea leave me? At what point do I […]
This is a personal reaction to Hotarubi no Mori e. It’s a 44+ minute anime film.
I recommend you to watch this (if you still haven’t) because it’s a really good film.
At the beginning of the film, a girl named Hotaru reminisced with the past. She recalled old memory when she was still a six-year-old girl. Thus, she mentioned this guy whom she met in the forest when she was lost.
As a crybaby, the guy who is wearing a mask approached her. The guy was taller than her. His name was Gin. It’s fascinating because he looks handsome even if he wore a mask. Maybe the voice actor gave an additional factor to that.
As the film progresses, I’ve learned that Gin was a spirit who looked like a human. Well, that’s the one reason why Hotaru or any human can’t touch Gin. When that happens, he’ll disappear. That’s a really unfair and terrible reality, right?
Well, let me share to you that Gin’s wish-slash-dream was to touch a human. Ironic, isn’t it? He dreamed what might cause him harm.
Being the playful and naughty kid that she was, Hotaru tried to touch him, so he tried to avoid her. But then, she eventually gave up. There were funny parts as well, like when Gin hit Hotaru with a bark of a tree making her whine in pain and complains that he was indeed not a human, or inhuman rather?
It wasn’t surprising at all that they became friends instantly! They play together in the deep part of the forest. The little girl loved to visit Gin whenever she had time to. She even met Gin’s extraordinary friends (his magical friends at least).
When I was watching this film, it was really a struggle to anticipate the climax; what problem they’d face, how will they overcome it, or how their relationship will develop.
Honestly, I really didn’t expect that they’d have a romantic relationship. I thought it will remain platonic. But well, expect the unexpected.
Did I mention that Gin doesn’t age? Well I think I didn’t. So it only means that he remained the same even if Hotaru grew up as a young lady then. Hotaru fell in love with him anyway, and hmm, vice versa.
It was then that Gin invited Hotaru to this so called festival of the spirits where they mimic human’s feature like how they look.
At the night of the festival, there were various kinds of spirits. It was such a sweet gesture to see Gin and Hotaru walking side by side while a white cloth (or string) was tied on each other’s hand. I thought it was much sweeter than holding hands (better try it on my future prince charming eh? haha. Kidding.
So, the story went on. They roamed around the place with all the flashy lights, fun games and mouth-watery food. It was really like a normal human festival.
Gin and Hotaru decided to walk in a quieter place in the forest.
It was really romantic when he confessed without using the usual words and Hotaru still understood. It was really sweet when he placed his mask on her face and kissed her. It utterly bewitching!
I never have thought that they’d feel that love for each other– a love that doesn’t even give them an assurance that they’d be together without the means of touching each other’s hand or skin. It was a total waste, we might say, but a beautiful mess indeed.
At the end of the film… I hope you watch it first before you read it because it’s a total spoiler in here… haha (I warned yah)
I admit, I actually thought that Hotaru was heading to Gin when she recalled that part of her past. Sadly she didn’t.
At that moment when they talked during the festival, Gin told her that he misses her a lot more than he used in the past. It was a lot that he yearned to go see her even if he’s not allowed to be in crowds. Well, against all odds, I guess?
Gin mentioned as well that she’s handing the mask to Hotaru. I felt that uneasy feeling right at that moment. Hotaru were’nt (and won’t) touching him, so why was he saying such absurd things?
Well, it wasn’t really that simple anyway.
A young boy ran near them together with another young girl. The boy stripped and was about to fall but Gin held the boy’s arm. It was then that they both realized that the boy was a human (I didn’t expect that as well).
Sparkling lights burst from Gin’s hands. He was about to disappear right then, right there. The odd thing was he didn’t look so sad. He even smiled at Hotaru (which made me burst in tears, aww my precious tears).
Not wasting any moment and trying to take the risk, Hotaru immediately hugged Gin before he can even disappear. In a split second, they felt each other’s touch. It was refreshing and sad at the same time. And just like a smoke in a fire, Gin disappeared forever.
It was really sad to think that they didn’t have that ending that they both strongly wished. I had wished them to have that, too. Yet they didn’t.
Well, if I look at that, it was still a nice try: a beautiful memory and a happy thought. It was still an honor to meet Gin and fall in love with him… and be loved by him. And even though time and circumstances tore them apart, it was the memory that forever remained. Unforgotten.
Maybe, that’s where every one of us always try to keep– that deep part in our subconscious minds where precious and fragile memories were encased and protected. Maybe, without our knowledge, we still believed that it could have been better, or it will be better when still keep that memory.
I think also that Hotaru thought that way. Gin became a part of her past. And even if he vanished before her eyes, she still made him a part of her present and an advance piece of her future.
We should keep the good memories even if they didn’t ended well. Remembering it as a good one makes it a real good one.
This is actually dedicated to my cousin. Well, I kinda know her story (her family’s conflicts and the like). I decided to write this for her.
In here, you’ll see what a child raised in a broken and complicated family really feels deep deep deep down inside (well, basing from her rants and expressions)
It’s been a long time since you left. Honestly, I don’t recall anymore how I felt when you took your leave. I was too young to remember it. You left the country because you had some issues here, and the fact that daddy had an affair with another woman and got her pregnant adds up to your reasons.
I grew up within my grandparents’ care. I am with my younger sibling. I don’t know if you know this but I miss you a lot mom. I miss it when you come home with that pizza box in your hand. I miss it when you hug me at night whenever I am having a nightmare. I miss your touch mommy. I miss you a lot.
But then the fact that we didn’t have much time to create more memories worsen my misery. I feel empty.
Daddy usually visits us and gives us money, but not for long. Not too long. I guess some people chooses to be selfish rather than their vowed responsibilities. Mind if I tell you that grandpa gets mad every time he sees him. Well, who wouldn’t, right?
Mom, I hate to say this coz I think it’ll upset you, but I love daddy as much as I love you. And I miss him. I still have our memories together. My sister might not have one because she was too young when this so-called family became an ash.
To be honest, I envy her. I wish I didn’t have any memories of us together. I wish I wouldn’t have to hold on to that.
Years passed and you still didn’t have the courage to come home. Well, I can talk to you through international call, and I can see you through Skype. But mom, frankly speaking, it’s utterly not enough. Totally not.
Where are you when I was a part of the top students? Where are you when I was about to receive that fake-gold plated medal? Where are you when my aunt had to attend that in your behalf? Where are you and daddy when I wanted to show you that I’v been a good child?
As time passes, I learned to accept this ill-fated life that we have. That’s the only thing that I can do, I guess? Accept. And accept.
I had come to the conclusion that we won’t be just like before, that’s why I learned to envy the other kids. Yes. You fill us with gadgets, bags and things that any child would love to have. But you can never fill that part in us which longs for motherly love.
I love you mom! I do. But I hate you whenever you call and I can’t answer immediately. That’s not the point anyway. The thing is, you get mad easily at us. You even curse at us. Truthfully, that hurts me a lot.
You call us names and trash words… at one point, I have realized the one reason why dad left you-us. He despised your attitude mom. He did. Well, I am not saying that he’s right to cheat on you nor am taking his side. No. I am just saying that it wouldn’t have been easier to fix this if you fixed you first.
Nowadays, whenever you contact us, I wish you didn’t or I wish I just didn’t took that call. I am sick of it mom. All your rants about your mistakes that you never did regret (in the first place); about your enemies (that were never enemies); about your problems (that you created). I am sick of it mom.
I am not wishing that you just don’t call or message us. I just wish that you could be better when talking to us. I just wish that your learn to keep your promises to us. I just hope that you learn to thank the people who show concern and love to you- to us.
You are arguing with grandpa and grandma about money, about our future and about the your problems that you made them carry as well. It hurts whenever you talk to them harshly. I love them. I wish you didn’t have to show disrespect and distrust to your parents. They love you mom. They love you a lot that they accepted to raise us even if they shouldn’t in the first place.
You even create fights with our aunt (your own dear sister!). I don’t understand. All she did was help you by helping us. As a younger sister, she did her best to support you- to cover up for you. But when she did a small thing that didn’t please you, you argue with her as if she didn’t do anything good to you. I respect my aunt, mom. She stood up us second mother. She loves us even if she already had a son to love herself.
Even if you’re hurting her verbally, she didn’t vent her anger to us. I wish you were like that.
You see mom? There’s a lot of things that I’ve learned and realized while growing up. I am afraid I am learning to hate you as well. I hope I won’t.
Mommy, I hope that we could be together again. I do hope as well that you show us your love and concern like a real mom- no curses, no trash words. Is it hard to fulfill?
Toys and gadgets can never replace love in this world Mom. Always remember that.
Please stop acting like a momster. I love you.
Sorry for the incorrect grammar and the like. Haha. Still not good in words huh?
I’ve heard that almost every one celebrate father’s day. But then, among all the people who feel giddy about it, I feel different. How could I? How would I thank someone who stopped his role as my father in a long time? How would I greet him when I he already left in the long run of this twisted plot of our lives?
Papa God, I still couldn’t see him as that respectable man, just like before. It’s hard to give it to someone when he doesn’t even deserve it in the first place. Am I bad?
I must forgive right? I did. I think I did… didn’t I? I just can’t forget the drastic turn of events cause by him.
Does he feel bad? Does he even care if I don’t acknowledge him as my dad? But You are my Father, and You deserve love and praise more than any one in this world.
Remember when I first took my first breath and You heard my very first heartbeat? Well, I don’t remember. But my Life Coaches have told me that You already loved me even before I was born. Do You know how overwhelming and fluttering that is? Great God, thank You for loving me even if I couldn’t even love myself (sometimes).
I am in pain. But I still acknowledge the fact that I am mean.
God, do You recall when I made my mother cry because I said the mean things to her? I hurt her really bad. I made her really upset.
When my sister and I fight, I know that You are watching. I know as well that it doesn’t please You. I am sorry God.
As a kid, I spent those early years as a happy child… because I had my dad, my mom and my sister… and a bunch of ice creams and fried chickens. Haha. But then, You let me experience the madness and hatred in this world God. You made me see the truth behind those lies that I believe in. You made me closer to You.
If the replacement of my dad’s sudden leave from our life is a deepen relationship with You, then I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret him leaving or him hurting us. Because I was able to meet You, be with You and be loved by You. It’s more precious than that of my dad’s love.
Through out the years, I know that You guided me. You gave me an assurance that You won’t forsake me. Even though I take a wrong path, at some point, You still believe in me and direct to the right road.
God, my heavenly Father, You deserve my love more than anyone. I love You! And I am sorry, that as Your child, I most of the time commit mistakes and want to quit. I deeply apologize.
Thank You, dear God, for loving me. I couldn’t even fathom that love– love that is so great.