Posted in To this broken heart...

The Fault in Us

Dear Daddy,Thank you for breaking my heart before any other guy could.

I am a happy person. But people used to say that the happiest person is rather the saddest one. I agree to that.

Broken. We are broken. But I am trying to fix myself. I swear, I am trying. lately, I’ve realized that it is really hard fixing myself all alone. I wasn’t able to put my self together. Not at all.

I figured things out, and I woke up in a reality of heart breaks and horrible scenes. I am broken… because my loved ones are broken like I do. Maybe Bo Sanchez was right. My love tank wasn’t full. Or was just empty rather. Why? Because my family lacks the love that they could give me.

My moms always nags us to call dad and ask him to support us financially. She always reminds us his faults and shortcomings. Growing up, I haven’t fully remembered my father’s good deed and love. I just planted the negatives ones in my mind. Thinking that if I don’t, that would mean a betrayal to my own mother.

Being a part of an unhappy, pitiful and broken family isn’t east all. Who would dare to stand up straight and boast to many people that his family’s broken? Who would, huh? I tried not to hate or hurt her. But still I did. I don’t understand her, too. She always changes her perception about things in life. I don’t know which part I must believe. I sometimes want to shout at her and tell her to think properly. But then she is still my mom.

Changes? He always mentions that word. Changes that he, bitterly and damnly, brought. But I wouldn’t want to be unfair when the truth is already obvious. My father is flawed. He really is. But he has positive attributes, too. I just can’t seem to see all of it. But I believe he has. I love him. No one could ever change that. Not even mom. My mom loved him, or loves? I am not sure anymore. The thing that I know is that once upon a time, there once lived a couple who had so much love to give to their two daughters. They’d do their part and love them. They’d do it together. But suddenly, due to some undetermined cause, the love broke as the heart did. For love sometimes isn’t enough to be just love–  it has to be great. The end.

What an unhappy ending, huh?

I loved my family, but as I mentioned a while back, it is not enough. We didn’t learn to cherish and nourish it. Now it turned dead and dull.

Life became hard. It is so obvious and undeniable.There’d be few successes and a bunch of struggles. I am still young, but I grew up putting in mind that I must think more matured that what I have to. Whenever he doesn’t give a damn to call and give some money, it is our fault. Mom blames us because she can’t vent her anger in front of his face. It totally angers me whenever she does that. Like hello? Is it our fault that he is a jerky jerk? No, right? Sometimes, she is just unfair. Aren’t we still young to absorb and accept all of these things? I think mom doesn’t think that way. If she’s hurt, she’s hurt… and she doesn’t think if we’re hurting like her. She lost a husband. But we lost things that is more than that. We lost a father… most specifically, we lost a family. Because since this ungrateful scene happened, everything became a mess. We lost the joy of childhood memories. We lost the chance to have good memories at home, because no one was able to provide us a permanent one. I know. Every single thing that had happened wasn’t a part of the plan. Why? Because they didn’t have any plan in the first place. So now, is it our fault that all of these things happened? Is it our fault that we can’t force him to stay? We aren’t that smart nor strong to bear all of these things and balance it without falling down. We are vulnerable, too. I just can’t understand why my mom can’t see that. Was it just me, or she just blinded herself to see through it clearly?

I don’t know anymore. I am just hurt by it.


Your Princess



writer | blogger | reader | staffer | lover | eater | worshiper Shayeness is a 19-year-old gal born in the year 1998. She's from the Philippines and a pure Filipina. Currently, she's studying at a university where in she takes BS in Development Communication and is in her third year in college. Shayeness writes poems, stories, essays and even songs. She's in love with words. She blogs her works here (wordpress) and in tumblr. Aside from writing, she also loves reading, given that this is where she started having the heart to write. She's also a campus journalist and working at their university's official publication as the feature editor. Aside from writing she's a lover of a lot of things as well, especially cupcakes and cute things. She loves eating a lot but hates junk foods. She's a Christian and she serves God through the worship ministry where in she plays the keyboard (piano). Her personal dream is to someday publish a novel or a book of poem at least once in her life but also pursue her plans (well she doesn't have any yet). She's still thinking if she'd be a disc jockey, a journalist, a layout artist, a reporter, a director or an office-mate. Her chosen course has a lot to offer. It's hard to choose. The important thing is, she plans to have a job.

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