Posted in Uncategorized

Tropa


Tropa. A bold term to say. 

Hindi ko alam pero minsan nagdududa ako kung totoo ba yan.

“Are we really friends?” I ask myself. I am not sure anymore.

We have our problems. I know. Can’t they share it? So that I’d know if I could help them? Ignoring our differences, including thebgender, can they let me know if there is something wrong?

I don’t get them.

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Posted in A blog

College?

I remember dreaming to graduate with honors in Elementary. Then, I actually succeeded making it happen. After that I entered High School and I dreamed a simple dream: To graduate. I don’t know. It is just that my perception about life changed suddenly. Life became harder and more challenging. I needed to cope up with its tests. Afraid of losing the fight, I aimed smaller dreams instead of wanting for bigger ones. I was too afraid to fall without even reaching the level that was higher than my past dreams.

After four long years, I was able to hit that mark. I reached my dream. Yeah. I graduated in High school. I needed to leave the friends that I included as my family. I needed to leave the things that I was used to do and have. I know I was bound to start all over again. That’s the time that I started getting scared again. When I enrolled in a different University- a much bigger Institution than my former beloved University- random thoughts started popping out of my mind. What-ifs and what-nows kept on disturbing my inner thoughts. I was afraid that I couldn’t adjust easily.

I am aware of the fact that College is much more different than High school. More vacants but more work. I might have a failing grade and no too-good instructor will pity me and pass me. I am afraid that I couldn’t have the same good friends that I had back in high school days. I am afraid that I couldn’t trust anyone there.Amidst of my fears and doubts, I stepped inside that University and accepted that bold challenge.

I was used to live alone when I was still in high school. My mom trained us(my sister and I) to do chores alone. She’ll send us money and we’ll budget it for a whole week. No. It’s not a torture, or some kind of punishment that we need to suffer. It is way for us to learn how to become independent at such a young age.

At the age of 12, I learned to wash clothes, cook my own meals and prepare my things before going to school. In a positive way, it helped me learn a truth in life: Few years from now, kids will need solitude.

Well, where was I?… Ah! Yes. College. I faced College, repeating that mantra, “I can do this… with God. I can.” The first day of school came. I have to forget about Summer vacation and focus in my studies.

I was used to live alone. I was used to sleep, cook, eat, and study by myself. But then, this time was much different than what I was used to. I had to adjust. I accept the reality that I’d meet different people with different personalities and status in life. So, I really did meet them.

I met my roommates. It felt like I was in a variety show and that I need to become my 4D self( Alien-like and jolly self). I am a happy person but I can’t change the fact that like any other people, I have a fair share of imperfections and problems in life. I am a person after all.

They were such wonderful people. And I really thanked God for blessing me with these kind of people who make someone be her own unique and awesome self. Back in high school, I was an introvert. I was being bullied when I was first year, and maybe, it was the main reason why I had a hard time to make myself comfortable with other people. I was an introvert and I only had limited but great friends. But now, I met many…inside and outside that four-cornered room in a apartment-like Dormitory.Five unnies (older sisters) and four fellow dongsaengs (younger siblings). We were like a family. I learned to be my jolly and crazy self. I forgot about the fears and doubts. I was enjoying every moment of it. I learned to have a big dream… and I learned to include them in my prayers- that all of us will reach every small and big dreams that we long to have in God’s will.

I felt love and joy during the 2 week stay inside that room. I enjoyed it and I want to enjoy it more. I am sorry. I really suck at expressing my emotions properly. But, I am happy.

Classes scared me, too. But then, our Great God blessed me with people who could help me face every boring and enjoyable class that I attend to. I met awesome young ladies that I already counted as friends. They were good people who are, like me, have imperfections and problems in life. I believe that struggles are part of living, though. I am thankful that there are struggles which turn into blessings. I hope ours are one of them.

I admit, I hesitated when I picked my course. But then, I learned to accept and love it. Because of it, I started to gain self-confidence. I allowed myself to be a part of the amazing people who can express their thoughts through writing and speaking. I believe that I am bound to be here and make a difference. I believe that I am fated to meet them. I know that God is in control and He is making every page of this awesomely written story of mine to be remarkable.

With that, I dedicate to Him my dreams which are probably His dreams for me as well.

To God be all the glory!

Posted in Happy? Or just an ending?

Happy Ending? Joke Ka Ba? (Ellina’s Note)

SPECIAL CHAPTER. Unfold.


May 5, 2015

“Pangs?… Pangs!”

Naalala ko na naman yung araw na yun. Pati yung pangalang sinisigaw ko.

“Anong nangyari?… Bakit puro dugo Pangs? Okay ka lang?”

    Nakatayo ako sa entrance ng hospital, palabas na sana ako nun, galing check-up… then I saw him- nakahiga sa stretcher na tinutulak ng mga nurse.

    I followed him.

“Pangs!…” He recognized me. I held his hand tightly. Hold on, please.

“Hah! May niligtas akong bata, Pangs! Muntik na syang masagasaan! Buti na lang…” Nagsalita sya pero mahina lang. He struggled to talk. Nandun ako, pero wala akong nagawa para tulungan sya. Walang akong kwenta!!! “…andun ako. Sh*t, ang sakit.” Mahina nyang kinwento sakin yung nangyari… at nakangiti pa sya sa lagay na yun ah. Tinutulak pa rin yung stretcher papuntang OR nun. Yung binti nya… dumudugo. Sobrang daming dugo.Natatakot ako.

“Pangs…” basa na ang mukha ko. “…tanga ka ba?!?… Ba’t ka naman nag-ala superhero?! Hindi ka si superman oy! Tingnan mo tuloy nasasaktan ka na! Tanga ka ba talaga?!?… Ang tanga tanga mo talaga! Nakakainis ka!” Sinigaw ko sa kanya ang pagkainis ko habang umiiyak. Nakikita kong may dugo sya sa ulo… sa braso… sa bibig… Nakakatakot!

“Shhh.Alam ko.” He tried to reach my face. Lalo akong naiyak. Natatakot ako… ng sobra-sobra. Alam kong takot ako sa dugo. Ayoko talaga dun. Pero hindi ko ininda yung takot na yun that time. Ewan. Bigla na lang na parang okay na lang sya sa kamay ko. Hindi ko binitawan yung kamay nya.Marami akong iniisip na bagay at possibilities nun, kaya siguro nawala bigla yung takot ko sa dugo. Dun ako mas natakot… sa pupwedeng mangyari. Ganun pala talaga. Kapag frustrated ka na, hindi mo na napapansin yung mga bagay na kinatatakutan mo. Kasi sa iisang bagay ka na lang natatakot. Yung takot na mawala sa’yo yung importanteng bagay at ang possibility na hindi nay un babalik uli. Dun nanggagaling lahat ng lungkot, luha, at takot.

“Atleast okay lang yung bata, di ba?… Yeah, I’m stupid. I know. I love you, Pangs.” Sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Pero gusto kong mabuhay sya… na lumaban sya. Di ba ganun yun? Pag mahal mo, lalaban ka. kakayanin nyo. Pero bakit sa’min, huli na? Huli na ba? Hindi ko tanggap. Hindi pa rin talaga.

“If you love me… live then.” His expression saddened.

“Hey, don’t cry my deadly love. Papangit ang Pangs ko.”… And it’s been a while since he uttered that deadly love.

“Pangs!!!” Binola pa ako ng loko. I tried to smile at his joke.

“See?… yeppuda.” He uttered an unfamiliar word in a low but clear voice.

“What the hell? Ha? What does that mean?”

“Secret.”

“Loko ka. Don’t leave me, okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that now. Live first. Please… Pwede?” I pleaded. I pleaded that he’ll continue living… that he’ll survive. Kaya nga lang minsan, kahit lumuhod ka pa, hindi ka pagbibigyan ng tadhana.

“…But still, sorry pangs.”

May tumulong luha sa gilid ng mata nya.

“You moron! Wag mo akong unahan! Wag kang makipagkarera sa’kin! Inaagawan mo naman ako ng eksena eh.” He smiled… pero nawala rin.

“Hey, di ko rin ‘to ginusto. I’m sorry. You’ll be fine…”

“Miss… hindi na po kayo pwedeng pumasok.”

Nung moment na yun nakarating na pala kami sa OR nun. Feeling ko nag-slow mo ang oras, o di kaya tumigil na lang bigla. Ang bigat. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Yung malalim ang paghinga ko, na di ko malaman kung bakit. Yung parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko, at gusto ko iyong ilabas. Gusto kong sumigaw dahil sa sakit. Ang naririnig ko lang eh yung malakas na kabog ng dibdib ko at sya. Kung totoong natitigil ang oras, sana pupwede ko rin itong i-undo. Sana pupwede kong ibalik yun sa isang scene na gustong-gusto ko at dun itigil ang oras. Sana. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko nun, you cannot undo the past. Maaari lang nating balikan yun… maalala. But whenever I remember this, it stabs my heart big time!

“Pangs, mahal rin kita… mahal na mahal.” I’m not certain if he heard me, but I saw him smiled, his last smile, before they closed the door.

“Mahal kita… sobra. Kaya lumaban ka ha? Pakakasalan pa kita, di ba?”

    I wanted to tell him that. Pero, maririnig nya pa kaya?

 

    That day, hindi ko na namalayan ang iba pang nangyari… hindi ko na matandaan kung ilang oras akong naghintay sa labas ng operating room. Iyak lang kasi ako ng iyak nun habang nagdarasal sa taas- umaasa na kung nakikinig Sya ay pagbigyan Nya na ako that time. Hindi ko na rin matandaan kung anong oras lumabas yung doctor para sabihing wala na sya… Wala na si Pangs.

 

    Ang sakit ko? Walang-wala yan sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kahit siguro lumipas ang mga taon, mahihirapan akong maka-move on. Hindi naman nya yun kasalanan eh. Yun ang mas mahirap. Sana nga kasalanan na lang nya. Para pwede akong magalit sa kanya. Pwede ko syang murahin, kainisan, at sigawan. Pero hindi eh. Bigla syang kinuha, at hindi kami handa. Kaya mahirap.

 

    I lost my strength to stand up. Napaupo ako sa sahig. I hugged my knees, I didn’t mind the blood in my hands. Wala rin akong pakeelam kung mukha man akong tanga sa itsura ko. Patuloy lang sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko. Hindi naman nila siguro ako masisisi dib ba?

    I lost someone important who will never come back.

    Ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit talaga. (yeppuda=Korean term for beautiful)

 

                                        

I LOVE YOU. I AM SORRY.

 

                                         Ellina          


Happy ending? Are you really a joke?

Meleng’s note now…

Awesome Reader,

Hi! So, ito na yun. I finished it! Let’s party!!! Yey! Magpapa-lechon talaga ako! Harhar.

Anyway, I hope that Kyle and Ellie’s story carved a special place in your heart. Sana naka-relate ka sa mga nangyari sa kanila. I do hope that this story made you smile, laugh, angry and cry. Kasi it means na binasa mo at naintindihan mo. Kung ano man ang mga nangyari, pwedeng-pwede yung mangyari sa iba. Pwede nga lang mag-iba ang takbo ng story nila. Naka-depende na yun sa kung pano nila i-handle yung situation. You see? I made things in there to be real as much as possible. Oh geez! I so love this story!

Habang sinusulat ko sya, I am thinking of many love stories that I’ve watched, heard and witnessed- including the tragic and painful ones. My inspiration is pure reality- the things people really experienced. There’s no such thing as fate… only faith. Sabi nila. Maybe.

I dedicate this story to the people who are

scared of losing someone;

of  life-long commitment;

of uncertainty in love;

of horrible pain;

of temporary happiness;

of life itself.

I once read that the true experience of freedom is having the most important thing in the world without owning it. It makes sense to me now. It hurts, somehow, to lose something we truly cherished, because we’re owning it eventhough we don’t own it. Di ko alam kung ba’t ko ‘to sinasabi. Err. Na-tripan ko lang. Kekeke.

Sana na-realize mo na eventhough people tell that there’s no forever, nor a happy ending, meron pa ring awesome story na pwedeng-pwede mong makamit in your own way. Kahit hindi man happy ang end nila, ang mahalaga naman eh naramdaman nila kung gaano kasarap sa pakiramdam ang maging masaya habang minamahal ng mahal nila. I believe na that way, somehow they had a piece  of  forever and a slice of happy ending. It doesn’t mean kase na nasasaktan o nasaktan ka na ng sobra eh titigil kana na magmahal. You still felt how to become happy, so you don’t have the right to say that you’re done.

I am not bitter. I  just wanna point that reality exists. It doesn’t mean na mahal na mahal nyo na ang isa’t-isa eh enough na yun, and it doesn’t mean na nabigo ka sa first try mo, susuko ka na. Hindi dapat ganun ang set up ng buhay. [Ako na madrama magsulat. Ako na talaga. Hahaha]

Some scenes happened in real life, and I was a witness. I hope that you understood the lessons that I want to plant in your mind.

I did not just aim to picture two people whose inlove. I also wanted to tell you that forgiving is a must. That way we can free ourselves from being pained by our awful past. Naks! Napapa-english pa tuloy ako. Humugot din kasi ako. Dumudugo na ata ilong ko.

Sa story na ito, napamalas ang love ng isang guy sa isang babae na minahal nya sa pangalawang pagkakataon. You also saw how he regret hurting her and how he did his best to deserve a second chance. And also how the girl gave up hiding inside her shell and made new friends while improving her attitude towards people. Infinite chances ika-nga. Time lang ang kulang.

Luh! Bokya ang lovelife ko yah know, pero may knowledge naman ako pagdating dyan. (Dakilang single *kaway-kaway* ^_^) Aye is, by the way, inspired by my cousin. Remember the acronym of Aye’s name? Ganun din sa couz ko, nickname ko rin kase.. Hehe. And kung pipili man ako ng character na counterpart ko, si Gail yun. Si Ellina kasi, pinagsama-samang tao sya. I mean yung personality nya eh galing sa iba’t-ibang tao. Magulo sya. So, I can say na she is unique in a way. But I am not HER.

Iniisip ko pa (abah! May isip?) kung itutuloy ko yung sequel nito. ‘Pag siguro sinipag-sipag, sige ipu-push natin ‘yan. OKAI! Ano say nyo? Will I?

          THANKS FOR READING!!! Kamsahaeyo chingudeul!!! Hwaiting! 🙂

            “Keep on believing that out of all the billions of damn humans who are currently breathing on this fallen world there is someone who will love you awesomely.”

 TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY! GOD BLESS YOU, DEAR. 🙂

 

Loving you dearly,

Moelaine

(Epic na Author)